In two amazing developments today Michael Gove and Nick Clegg, pictured above, have demonstrated for everyone to see why their parties are not fit for government. Michael Gove has decided to send every English school an edition of the King James Bible to remind us all through our children how wonderful our influence on world culture has been. Meanwhile Nick Clegg has decided, in order to repackage what has become a toxic brand, to remind voters of the Liberal campaign to outlaw slavery during the early 19th century. We asked a government spokesman to explain; "It's all quite simple. We're terrified that people might begin to understand what's going on and look back to the 20th and late 19th centuries for solutions. This must be avoided at all costs since study of that period will demonstrate a steady improvement for ordinary people under the influence of socialism and other such evils. Instead we're hoping to turn their attention to earlier periods in history when most people didn't have the vote and they simply did as they were told - or else. We believe that a few rousing speeches from Shakespeare's "Henry V" will do the trick and, if not, threats of fire and brimstone will scare the shit out of them. If we can just get back to the days of zero workers rights and not wasting time with elections and such like we can steer Britain to a brighter future somewhere in the fifteenth century. There's nothing like a dose of good old fashioned nationalism to make people stop thinking."
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