Tories Succeed In Driving Down UK Student Numbers.

The Tory party was out on the town tonight celebrating the 9% fall in UK students applying for university. We asked Michael Gove, Minister for Privatising the Universities, for his view; "This is outstanding. Within the lifetime of this parliament we will have our universities once more reserved for the children of the wealthy and fee-paying students from abroad. The last Labour government may have managed to get 50% of youngsters into university, but how long did you think we'd allow that to continue? We can't have working-class scum clogging up our universities taking ridiculous subjects like media studies when the children of the wealthy could be studying important subjects like Classics, Divinities and Greats. Lower class children will be prepared for a life of unemployment or, if they're lucky and we feel generous, for life as day labourers and servants. As for those who persist in their forlorn attempt to better themselves, we'll make sure they spend the rest of their lives up to their necks in debt to us."