NHS In Secret Monitoring Of CJD.

Amid fears that a new wave of CJD cases is about to hit the British population, the NHS is secretly monitoring and testing patients for signs that they may be developing the disease. We asked a leading Tory spokesperson for the government reaction; "We are very concerned that if there is a CJD outbreak people will remember that Margaret's Thatcher's deregulation of the food industry was responsible for it in the first place. That might prove disasterous as we try to deregulate even more industries in the future - especially our plans to deregulate the health industry in order to allow businessmen to perform brain operations and fill working-class women's boobs with sand and cement. There have been rumours that several members of David Cameron's government are already showing signs of the disease but I can allay public fears on that score - they've always been that crazy. We're also worried that any outbreak will derail our plans to bury Margaret Thatcher at public expense and, on the back of the publicity, grab a few more votes from those who are easily impressed by such things. It's a real headache I can tell you. Still we might just be able to reclassify any deaths as due to smoking if the victims are working class scum or selfless service to the nation if they're wealthy."