Cameron Orders Children To Run On The Spot.

David Cameron, having finally mastered a determined look, has told teachers that he expects all primary school children to endure at least two hours of exercise every day. Looking to capitalise on the present national obsession with other people running, jumping and throwing things, he wants to at least appear to give a toss about ordinary children. Not so much, however, that he will stop flogging off school playing fields to his wealthy property speculating mates. "Children don't need playing fields," he told our reporter wearing his new determined face. "What they need to do is run on the spot for two hours every day so that when they grow up they'll be too exhausted to worry what we are up to. Running on the spot is good exercise and has the added benefit of not taking up much room - room that is needed for grouse moors and open countryside so that we toffs can murder innocent animals while on horseback. When these children grow up they can they concentrate all their efforts into making money for us to steal and, if they're very lucky, make enough to join our club. We have to get rid of the "all must have prizes" culture and replace it with the good old-fashioned "only toffs must have prizes" culture. There is nothing wrong with elitism - especially if, like me, you're born to it. After all we need losers to show the rest of the world that we are winners."