Britain's Coalition Of Evil.

The Tory track record on the economy has always been dire. From the 1920's when their ideological commitment to keeping the pound chained to the Gold Standard wrecked British exports, through the 1930's when they refused to do anything remotely useful to ease the Depression, to the 1970's and 80's when their hatred of the Unions led them to utterly destroy British industry, they have always put their insane prejudices ahead of reality. They have been able to do this because they are experts at lying to the electorate and have no conscience whatsoever about inflicting untold damage on ordinary people in order to feather their own nests. Britain is now in the midst of an unprecedented assault on those things that once made this country a truly civilized nation including a hate campaign against the disabled and disadvantaged in order to destroy the welfare state, the destruction of worker's rights (they are now less effective than they were during the Victorian period) and the dismantling of the NHS in preparation for its privatisation. They have been aided in this by the LibDems whose ideological about-face has been the most extraordinary in British political history and has left those who voted for them feeling horrified and utterly betrayed. Both of these parties have based these completely uncalled-for policies on the economic myth that it was Labour fiscal irresponsibility before 2008 that makes their insane agenda unavoidable. In this self-serving legend the banks and their greedy criminality have no role and it is the Labour party's tax and borrowing when in government that takes centre stage. Yet, as the Guardian points out today, borrowing in 2007 was at its lowest since 1997 when Labour first came to power and was a great deal lower than it was under the Tories. There is no fiscal crisis as the Tories describe and, what's more, there never was. The Coalition's economic policies are based purely on ideology and have absolutely nothing to do with reality. Deflationary policies during a recession are pure idiocy but are pursued by this government simply because it provides the necessary alibi to turn back the clock and return wealth and power to where they believe it belongs - to themselves.

LibDems Propose Fuel Subsidy For "Remote" Devon.

Danny Alexander, famous for his role as Beaker in "The Muppets", has today announced that his party intends to give those living in "remote" areas a fuel subsidy. This includes the largely LibDem voting county of Devon which, as everyone knows, lies in the far south of the country, just north of the Antartic Circle. "Devon is incredibly remote from the rest of the country," Alexander told us. "There are some people there who live nearly a mile from the nearest Chinese takeaway. There have been cases where people have set out to take their children to school and not arrived until six weeks later. It's so remote most British people don't live there and house prices are so low that even Londoner's can afford to buy them. It's shocking just how isolated the people who live there actually are. Many of them still think that Queen Victoria is on the throne and William Gladstone is Prime Minister while the biological diversity of the population is amongst the lowest in the country. In fact in-breeding is one of the biggest challenges facing the county while intelligence levels are so low that they still think that farming is a new, innovative and exciting advance in human endeavour. A fuel subsidy will go a long way to widening the outlook of these poor people and allow them to visit exotic locations such as Tunbridge Wells and even Brighton."

British Politicians Agree Mutual Sucide Pact For The Rest Of Us.

George Osborne stood up in Parliament today and cheerfully admitted that, since his economic policy wasn't working, there was no choice but to give us more of it. His original idea, if you can call it that, was that if he flattened the economy and pauperised the entire population except for himself and his rich mates then the economy would bounce back. All that was needed for his plan to work was people to spend money they no longer had and for a non-existant industrial sector to sell things it couldn't make to foreign markets who didn't want them. Mystified as to why this plan hasn't worked he has concluded that we, the ordinary people of this country, just haven't been trying hard enough. There were jeers from the Opposition benches before they made for the exits, sought out the nearest TV studio and then told us that they would do the same if elected. The truth is that this Comprehensive Spending Review - a budget in all but name - was more about politics than it was about the economy. The economy, it turns out, is beyond all help as long as the political elite insist that ordinary people must pay for their mistakes and rich people must not, under any circumstances, pay higher taxes. Terrified that they might miss out on the blue-rinse, suicidally insane, "it's all the fault of the EU, immigrants and scroungers" vote, the LibDems and Labour swallowed what is left of their principles and went along with it. All parties are now committed to making inroads into the grinning idiot vote and are happy to continue living in a political "there is no alternative" desert bereft of any landmarks such as principles or even good ideas. With any idea of a functioning economy safely consigned to history, the politicians can now get down to the serious business of slagging off the people, you and I, whose only function appears to consist of paying their wages and providing them with unlimited expense accounts.

UKIP Shouts "Boo!"

UKIP pushed its way onto the national political stage today, relegating the LibDems to third place, threatening to elbow the Tories to one side and leaving the Labour party staring like a rabbit into the headlights. The Coalition immediately went into panic mode with Nick Clegg insisting that his party's disastrous showing was a springboard to future success and David Cameron suddenly discovering phrases such as "respect for the electorate's verdict" and "lessons must be learned." While the LibDems have had time to contemplate their imminent extinction as a political force in Britain for some time now, for the Tories this is a new and frightening experience. Cameron, in particular, seems to have been taken by complete surprise that lying to the electorate and ignoring how they feel may no longer be enough. All three former major parties might even wake up to the fact that manifestos should include some element of truth and that the electorate expects their pledges to mean something. The signs, however, are not encouraging. The LibDems continue to emulate an ostritch, the Tories are still telling us that complete economic policy failure and growing discontent is no reason to change course, while Labour remains confident that saying nothing at all is the best course. UKIP is not much better in reality. Apart from putting a stop to all immigration and withdrawing from the EU they don't have much else to say. The tragedy is that this has proven to be enough. Immigration is not popular in Britain and the electorate are increasingly disenchanted with the EU while ignoring these realities is now becoming politically impossible. Right-wing politics has been in the ascendency over the last 30 years with disastrous consequencies for us all but it looks as if the country is about to lurch even further to the right as the three "main" parties chase after UKIP. Whatever the eventual results of this are one thing is for sure - Britain is no longer a country at ease with itself.

Coalition Split Over Taxing The Rich.

For the last two-and-a-half years we've been fed a steady diet of "there's no alternative" as the coalition have squeezed the poor to pay for the banking crisis and allowed various corporations to raise prices in order to increase their profits. The young have been calously sacrificed, the disabled vilified and persecuted even as property speculators, bankers and rentiers have been pampered. "We're all in this together," David Cameron famously told us and then used the recession as an excuse to steal the NHS, undermine workers rights and conditions and cut taxes for the rich. Soon "We're all in this together" became "You f**cking plebs should know your place." Taken by surprise when the "plebs" took exception to this, the coalition had no choice but to back-pedal a little in order to maintain at least a thin veneer of decency. How thin the veneer actually is was revealed when the LibDems floated the idea of increasing taxes for those who live in mansions worth more than £1 million. The cabinet immediately split along party lines with Tories such as Chris Grayling, the Justice Secretary, Grant Shapps, the Conservative Chairman, Eric Pickles, the Communities Secretary, and Philip Hammond, the Defence Secretary, howling at the very idea. With the need to reduce the deficit suddenly becoming a secondary concern, it is middle- and upper-income voters in Tory-controlled parts of south-east England that are now of paramount importance. The usual nonsense about not taxing "wealth creators" won't wash this time since the personal assets of company directors are entirely divorced from their business activities. Nor does the other hoary old lie, that raising such a tax would actually return less money, hold water. The rich can hardly claim that a mansion in the Home Counties is actually located in a convenient tax haven. It's even more unlikely that the owners of such properties would immediately decide to vote Labour. This then is nothing more than an open admission that we are certainly not all in this together and that shielding the rich is the Tories only real concern.

Tories Continue Crime Spree.

The plundering of the NHS by a bunch of Tory criminals continues unabatted today as Radiographers are told to put one hour per day aside for examining private patients using equipment and staff paid for by the taxpayer. Meanwhile the Tories have discounted the findings of the BMA that they are "risking patients' health by rationing drugs and operations". The BMA also pointed out that GP's "were being offered financial incentives to send fewer patients for tests and treatments in hospital" and that this is "morally wrong and professionally wrong". Meanwhile the Department of Health continued to peddal its platitudes about patients getting medical attention "when they want it and where they want it" - though, of course, only if they are willing to pay for it twice. According to them, and in the face of stark evidence to the contrary, the NHS is "more efficient and we are already seeing results." For their part the LibDems, ignoring their betrayal of both the NHS and those foolish enough to vote for them, have come up with their solution to the demise of healthcare in Britain by calling for a new tax on fizzy drinks. "We are convinced that such a tax will dramatically improve the health of the nation, especially amongst the fat and indolent working-classes." Almost immediately a bunch of fat, indolent Tory backbenchers began to swing into slow-motion action to block the proposal on the basis that it would hurt the profits of those who pay for their bonuses. Eric Pickles told our reporter; "I've been drinking fizzy drinks for years and its done me no harm - mind you it was champagne."

How Low Can The Tories Actually Get?

It is becoming the most hotly disputed political question of the day - how unutterably disgusting can the Tories get before even they can't stand the smell? As far as the economy is concerned they seem to be completely impervious to any amount of criticism and are perfectly content to watch the country pauperised. A completely understandable fall in retail sales during August is being described as "unexpected." By whom? Certainly not by local councils who are busily investing in charity-run food banks in the certain knowledge that next year will see the ressurection of 1930's Depression era breadlines. This, apparently, is what David Cameron means by the "Big Society." Not content with forcing millions into destitution, the Tories are also busily engaged in forcing the NHS into bankruptcy in order the smooth the way for privatisation and steal it from the people that actually own it - me and you that is. 21 hospitals, worth over £15 billion, are expected to be handed over to corporate healthcare vultures before the next general election as the Tories reward their wealthy pals for all their "donations." Meanwhile the LibDems, having betrayed every principle they pretended to hold and having gained absolutely nothing, seem set to support what amounts to a criminal conspiracy after a new poll revealed that they will be virtually wiped out at the next general election. So how low can the Tories sink to satisfy their avarice and lust for revenge against the country? You might ask ex-soldier Karl Boon who lost his left leg to a Taliban rocket-propelled grenade in Afghanistan during 2010. He has been stripped of his £54-a-week living allowance because losing a leg in the service of his country doesn't make him disabled enough to deserve it. That is how low the Tories can get.

Cameron's Reshuffle To Boost Tory Dingbat Tendency.

The "Telegraph" is reporting today that Cameron will use the forthcoming cabinet reshuffle to strenghthen and reward the insane within the Tory Party. "Heavy hitters" like George Osborne, William Hague and Theresa May are too important to move and too stupid to give them any more responsibility and that gives Cameron little room for manouvre. It is strongly believed, therefore, that Boroness Warsi will lose her job as co-Chairman of the party because she's neither insane nor stupid enough. Close, but no cigar. She will probably be replaced by Chris Grayling, a great fan of both slave labour and kicking people in wheelchairs, or by Michael Fallon the deputy chairman who has the added advantage of being a wealthy nonentity with no known conscience. It is also widely believed that Jeremy Hunt, Rupert Murdoch's pal, will be given a new role without portfolio so no one will know what he's up to, while it is not beyond all possibility that Liam Fox will be snuck back in since he didn't go to prison after all. As a sop to the LibDems for failing to get anything at all out of the coalition it is believed that David Laws, who likes to steal taxpayers money, will be reinstated and given a cabinet job that probably involves stealing even more money. It is difficult to see how Cameron could create a cabinet with even more sociopaths than it has already but he seems willing to give it a go. All the rest of us can do is sit back and watch as this bunch of second-raters, conmen, thieves, pickpockets and serial killers make an even bigger mess of the country than they already have. The only question is, how long before the Olympics "euphoria" becomes a distant memory?

Vince Cable Latest To Throw Toys Out Of The Pram.

Vince Cable waded into the spat between the Tories and LibDems today telling his coalition partners that their proposed boundary changes would be defeated in the Commons with the aid of the Labour party. Another LibDem who's discovered where he left his spine? Unfortunately for the rest of us the answer has to be a resounding "no." If Vince really did think in terms of the national interest instead of the narrow interests of the LibDem party then perhaps the economic figures would be a little healthier. After all he is the Business Secretary. Instead we have the Bank of England having to point out the blindingly obvious - that the British economy is flat on its back and, like a turtle, lacks the means to get back onto its feet. To drive the message home the deficit figures out today show the greatest gap between imports and exports since 1997 which, by the merest coincidence, happens to have been the last time the Tories were in charge of wrecking the economy. So, as far as Vince is concerned, its 10 out of 10 for scratching the Tories eyes out and 0 out 10 for actually doing his job.

Nick Clegg Eyes Europe As An Escape Tunnel.

Nick Clegg, an idiot of with an outstanding lack of political acumen, is reported to be eyeing up a job as Britain's EU Commissioner as a means to escape the mess he's made of his party over the last two years. While membership of the LibDem party has plummeted by 25% in the last year alone and Nick Clegg has managed to sell out their entire supply of political "principles", he is thinking about his own future career. He is also seeking the means to abandon reform of the House of Lords without losing too much face - a quest that seems doomed to abject failure - and avoid a conflict with his Tory pals that might end in a general election and the decimation of the LibDem Party. While muttering darkly about refusing to support Tory plans to rig the political bounderies, Nick is actually engaged in negotiations with David Cameron for an extra ministry for the LibDems. Having sold the NHS down the river for Lord's reform, he is now preparing to sell that down the river in return for an extra ministerial car. Oh well, Nick, when you sup with the devil you need a long spoon.

Clegg Feels A Sharp Pain Between The Shoulder Blades.

After several months of concern over his health Nick Clegg has finally discovered the source of the pain between his shoulder blades. The discovery of a thin Tory blade protruding from his back should have come as no surprise, however, since Nick Clegg has been sinking a very similar blade into the collective back of the entire British electorate for the last two years. What prompted this sudden realisation was David Cameron's "reluctant" retreat over House of Lords reform today - something he's been "forced" into by a few Tory backbenchers who have threatened to throw their toys out of the pram. Nick Clegg has now managed to gain exactly nothing out his association with the most vicious Tory administration in living memory. Nothing except, that is, a total loss of support amongst the electorate who have watched as the LibDems have betrayed every principle they are supposed to stand for. Reform of the House of Lords was the policy that Nick Clegg sold the NHS down the river for and it was his last chance to get something for the LibDems that they could pretend to be proud of. Nick Clegg can no longer fail to see what everyone else in the country already knows - that David Cameron and his Tory pals would sell their own grandmother for an extra quid. Nor can he avoid the conclusion that has been evident to the rest of us for some time - that he is the most outwitted bungler in British politics. Still we can at least now sit back and watch the cat and dog fight between the Tories and the LibDems over the proposed boundary changes that Cameron hopes might save his party at the next election. Perhaps G4S could provide the referees.

Nick Clegg Decides On Electoral Suicide.

Nick Clegg has decided to go on the offensive by going on a tour of Britain and facing down his detractors. The inspiration for this, apparently, is the tour that Franklin D.Roosevelt made of America during his 1936 re-election campaign. Roosevelt's strategy was to take on the rich and powerful enemies he had made; "They are unanimous in their hate for me," he said about the vested interests ranged against him, "and I welcome their hatred." The American people, recognising that he was their champion, rallied to him and re-elected him in a landslide victory. Unfortunately for Nick he is not the people's champion and has allied himself to the very rich and powerful vested ineterests that Roosevelt campaigned against. Nick Clegg, as in so many things, has it completely arse about face and will find that a campaign to explain why he has stood by while the Tories persecute the poor, the vulnerable and the disabled will lack the impact he's hoping for. The truth is that the best thing he can do is shut up, keep his head down and hope that the British electorate forget he's in cahoots with the most rabidly right-wing government this country has seen since the 19th century. Still, watching a politician commit slow suicide in full view of the electorate should make for some interesting television, while Cameron must be absolutely delighted that his faithfull sidekick will be drawing the flak to himself with such selfless imbecility.

Nick Clegg Forgets To Blame Labour.

Nick Clegg appeared on the Andrew Marr show today and seems to have forgotten to bring his usual script with him. Waking up to the public mood which doesn't see why it should pay the banker's bill and face austerity while the rich get away with it scot-free, he actually admitted that the current economic mess was caused by the banks and not by Labour. Frightened that he may have gone too far he couldn't resist saying that Labour only taxed the rich at 40% for most of their tenure in government, though he failed to point out that that was during a period of prosperity when ordinary people were not being asked to bail out the banks. As such it was the same old story - austerity for the poor is necessary while it doesn't apply to the rich becuase they're too important to tax. He was quite relaxed about the protest outside his house, saying only that his children were frightened. The fact that the protestor's children have been frightened and bullied in their own homes by this government didn't seem to register. Which is more than can be said for those sharing the sofa with him. They were "outraged" that ordinary people should target those who, from the safety of a security-cordoned cocoon, make their lives a misery.

Louise Mensch Insults LibDems And Protestors Alike.

Louise Mensch, the hatchet-faced Conservative MP for Corby and East Northamptonshire, has today insulted protestors who held a street party outside Nick Clegg's London home. The protestors, tired of being completely ignored by the political establishment, decided to bring attention to the shameful way this government is targetting the disabled to pay for the crimes of the banks by targetting Nick Clegg in his £1 million pound house. This, according to the shameless Ms.Mensch on Twitter, amounted to the "intolerable bullying" of a poor defenceless politician and she appealed for Tories to send £5 each to the LibDem party by way of compensation. We asked the smug, self-centred MP for a further statement; "It is completely unjustified for unemployed and crippled scum to give politicians a dose of their own medicine. Working class people only exist to be abused and their fighting back is simply not acceptable. Bullying is a terrible crime, unless practised by me and my rich mates, and I feel its only right that these people should be intimidated to the full extent of the law. As for the appeal to send the LibDems £5, you have to understand that I only value money and I'm pretty sure that the newly corrupted LibDem colleagues now feel the same. I'm sure that if we can get all Tory supporters to contribute we should be able to raise at least £25."

LibDem's Beaten By Penguin - Tories By A Polar Bear.

In a not too shocking local election result in Edinburgh Professor Pongoo, leader of the Independent Penguin Tendency, has beaten a LibDem candidate while, in Liverpool, a Tory candidate has been beaten by a Polar Bear. However, talks between the Penguin and the Polar Bear about the possibility of forming a new coalition party quickly failed when it became glaringly obvious that, in policy terms, they were poles apart. We asked Nick Clegg for his reaction to the news; "It could have been worse, we could have been beaten by a Tory. Still I remain optimistic now it has emerged that a coalition between the Penguin and Polar Bear seems a remote possibility. We have to learn from this experience and I for one am determined that fielding cute furry animals as candidates might be a vote winner. A Panda has been suggested to me on the grounds that they're nearly extinct too. I know that David Cameron has taken the opposite view of all this and plans to field a dinosaur since such an animal fits in better with their party image. Let's hope to God that Labour doesn't field a Pitbull."