Paddy Ashdown Has A Laugh.

Paddy Ashdown premiered his new role as the LibDem's comedy relief today, though he failed to wear the traditional red nose, as he advised his party to prepare for a return to government. "We have a taste of the rewards available to those prepared to tell any lie for votes," he told the LibDem Conference, "and we want more. More power, more money, more privileges and more opportunities to screw ordinary people while we laugh at their stupidity. You can't change a country overnight. You can't deliver on the liberal promise in just one government. It takes time or, as I like to put it, never. We must build a stronger economy in a fairer society, enabling everyone to get on in life, especially our new best friends - the Tories. Only when we have delivered the sort of society in which every millionaire can succeed against all the odds to make even more money and poverty is erradicated by killing off all the poor will we have an equal society." He then went on to tackle the sex scandals that have rocked the party of late. Allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards women, he said, would be "investigated thoroughly and independently and then completely ignored while perverting the course of justice will, from now on, be confined to the floor of the House of Commons."

Nick Clegg: "I Don't Know What I Know."

It can be very difficult to understand what, if anything, Nick Clegg actually stands for. While it is true that there is no principle he won't sacrifice to hang on to the shadow if not the substance of power, what he actually thinks remains a total mystery. In fact so mysterious is it that Clegg himself doesn't seem to know what he thinks. Take this latest scandal over Chris Rennard. At first Clegg told us he knew nothing about it but it then transpired that he had been told about it four years ago. He then countered with the politicians favourite reply that he "didn't know the specifics." So what, exactly, did he know or not know? According to him he must have been informed about "something." How did the conversation go? Political Aide; "Mr Clegg we have some bad news about Chris Rennard." Nick Clegg "Oh dear, what can it possibly be?" Political Aide; "We don't actually know. But it seems to have sexual overtones." Nick Clegg; "What has been said about poor old Chris." Political Aide; "We don't know but it might be serious." Nick Clegg; "Who is making the claims?" Political Aide; "We don't know that either." Nick Clegg; "Oh my God its worse than I thought. Whatever you do don't tell me any more." Political Aide; "Any more about what?" Nick Clegg; "Chris Rennard." Political Aide; "Chris Rennard? My God what's he done?" Nick Clegg; "I don't know." Political Aide; "Oh well, that's all right then."

Nick Clegg Tries His Hand At Politics.

After two-and-a-half years of aimlessly wandering about the corridors of power Nick Clegg has had a brainwave - why not try his hand at politics? Having come to the conclusion that the only way to save his "career" as a "politician" is to actually be a politician, he's decided to come out fighting at the LibDem Party Conference. The first priority was to apologise to the students for getting them to vote for him by deception. Apology made, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry" - job done. The next thing on the agends is "get tough" on the rich who have been let off the hook as far as "austerity" is concerned. Make a statement about taxing the rich, sound tough - job done. Next, explain away the economic disaster visited on the country by allowing the Tories to substitute ideology for common sense reality. "We have avoided an economic catastrophe. We have steadied the ship. Now we must set it sailing." - job done. Finally persuade the party that he's the right man to lead them. "You've got no choice. Dump me and you can all wave goodbye to your seats as the electorate see that even you don't believe my lies. Anyway, we might conceivably get another hung parliament and we can then hitch a ride on Labour's coattails." - job done. It's like watching a man claiming to be a great artist sitting down in his studio and then painting by numbers.

Vince Cable's Support For Second-Rate Management.

Vince Cable has announced his support of the bone-idle, second-rate management that plagues both the private and public sector in Britain. The reduction of the cap on awards for unfair dismissal are supposed to make it more attractive for business to employ more people. Of course it will do no such thing - only a return of confidence in the economy, something the present government cannot or will not create, can do that. This is merely a sop to those managers and executives in this country who cannot do their job properly. It will help to protect those who have no skill in selecting staff, lack the character to handle "difficult" workers or get annoyed when staff refuse sexual favours on demand. At the end of the day unfair dismissal is exactly that - unfair - and making it less expensive for the perpetrator is similarly unfair. A cap of £72,000 was sufficient to act as a deterrent - lowering it to one year's wages will make it infinitely easier to sack lower paid workers. So now the managers in Britain have a double protection since their wages have continued to rise whereas ordinary worker's wages have stagnated. Many banker's who can claim for unfair dismissal will still be able to collect lottery wins in compensation while the rest of us will get barely enough to buy a good second-hand car. All in this together? I don't think so Vince.

Nick Clegg Tries To Claw His Way Back.

Nick Clegg, probably the worst turncoat in the history of British politics, has apparently had an epiphany and come to the conclusion that perhaps, after all, wealthy people should pay taxes too. Telling the "Guardian" that the recession is deeper than expected and has mysteriously turned into a double-dip variety for no apparent reason, he has suggested that perhaps rich people should pay tax in the interests of "fairness". His colleagues in the LibDem party are reported to be astonished at his sudden conversion to the principle that we should "all be in this together" and it has been widely mooted that Nick might be trying to save his party, not to mention his reputation and career, before the next election. "This is an exciting development," a leading LibDem told the "News in Shorts". "Nick has finally realised that the only way to save the party at the next general election is to get his lies in good and early. We think that this initiative could become one of our flagship policies along with "no tuition fees for students". Meanwhile the Tory half of the firing squad that describes itself as a government showed its true colours when Chris Grayling, the Tory Minister for employment and notorious for the size of his property portfolio paid for by the taxpayer, announced that young Londoners would be forced to work for nothing. "I've looked at Nick's proposal," he told our reporter with a snigger,"and come to the conclusion that this is nothing more than the politics of envy. Rich people can't be taxed because they'll throw their toys out of the pram and move to Lichtenstein. We cannot kill the golden goose that refuses to lay any eggs. I for one would immediately upstakes and move to Belize in order to demonstrate my patriotism. The only way forward is less taxes for me and more for you - after all we are all in this together aren't we?"

Coalition Welcomes Thief Back Into Government.

LibDem David Laws, who was sacked from the Coalition on account of being a thief, is to return to government. The Tories, recognising a man after their own heart, have welcomed the news and are looking forward to seeing his plans for ripping off poor people in support of the wealthy. "He is a great supporter of our deficit reduction plans," a leading Tory told our reporter, "and a tireless worker in making sure that his own deficit is paid for by the taxpayer. We realise that he might not be a popular choice - being a proven thief - but we see him as a steadfast ally in our master-plan to reduce the peasants to the level of poverty they deserve. We are hopeful that other known criminals will also be put back into the cabinet by David Cameron and that other bloke - er, whathisname - Nick Clegg. We need this calibre of man if the country is to prosper - well, at least the wealthy part which is the only one that counts." Other crooks, such as Baroness Warsi, will probably dropped in the forthcoming cabinet reshuffle because she's not sleazy enough but George Osborne, who is merely stupid, is expected the keep his job. Andrew Lansley, widely expected to wind up in prison after stealing the NHS, will also probably keep his job after David Cameron failed to find anyone, other than Ian Duncan Smith, slimy enough to replace him. Ian Duncan Smith has been reported as refusing the brief when he was told he wouldn't be able to torture the disabled or keep all the money from the sale of the NHS.

David Ruffley Calls For More Cuts - For Other People.

David Ruffley, another senior Tory MP with a thirty-second memory and an over-inflated sense of his own importance, has criticised Geoarge Osborne for letting the LibDem tail wag the Tory dog. The fact that without the LibDems there wouldn't be a dog to wag anything is completely lost on this Tory dingbat who has called on Osborne to cut even more spending on the "non-productive" (anyone not as rich a an average Tory) and increase spending on prestigious projects that will make Tories feel good about themselves and make their journey times shorter as they whisk by the peasants on their way to do really important things. Agreeing with Boris Johnson that the Tory regime should stop "pussyfooting around" and really flatten to economy once and for all, he told our reporter; "We simply haven't done enough to wreck the economy yet. Without the total destruction of the working class in this country we'll never get the tax cuts we need for rich people like me. If it wasn't for the LibDems putting the brakes on we would have the gas chambers set up to dispose of the useless and crippled in Britain by now. As it is there's far too much namby-pamby "human rights" around and far too little in the way of feudal rights for superior people such as me."