Tories Solve The Problem Of The Soaring Death Rate.

The Tory party, shocked that their policies of pauperising the entire country, throwing poor families onto the streets, abandoning the disabled and privatising the NHS have increased the death rate by 23,000 in three years, have changed their priorities. Instead of providing ammunition for the opposition to their vile regime they have decided to stop counting how many people die every year. "No one likes bad news," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "Especially the Tory party and, because of that, we've decided to sweep the facts under the carpet. As Iain Duncan Smith informed the country only a few weeks ago, our beliefs are far more important than inconsequential and inconvenient truths. Poor people dying is nothing new and our murderous policies are merely accelerating a desired trend. Britain cannot afford poor people and they have to die for the good of the country - especially for those parts of the country that vote Tory. The good news is that we no longer have to pay the pensions for these 23,000 useless people and my tax bill has been reduced quite nicely thank you. It is important that the electorate recognise that these deaths are fair since very few of the people dying before their time are actually rich. If they were rich people that would be unfair and we'd have to do something about it. We are now working on the solidly Tory view that what the people don't know won't worry them. This might well kill them but at least they'll die completely uninformed as all poor, ill-educated and Labour-voting scum should."

Bank Gets A Taste Of Its Own Medicine.

Just when you think that banks can't get any more careless one of them proves you wrong. In Russia a man called Dmitry Argarkov has baffled the executives of Tinkoff Credit Systems by playing them at their own game. After receiving an unsolicited invitation to take one of their credit cards Mr.Argarkov took the contract, fed it into his computer, changed a few things in his favour, signed and then sent it back. Despite their warning to read the small print the hapless bank failed to notice his tinkering and granted him an unlimited balance at 0% interest and with no charges. After two years the bank tried to terminate his agreement and claim 45,000 roubles from Mr.Argarkov. This included the remaining balance on the card and late payment charges and fees not included in their customer's altered contract. Taken to court when he told them to shove it, a Russian Judge pointed out that not reading a contract was no defence and found against the bank. Laughing his socks off Mr.Argarkov promptly sued the bank for 24 million roubles for failing to keep to their side of the contract. So far the bank has responded only by reminding everyone through their Twitter account that "Stealing is a sin." Yes it is, but Tinkoff are a bank and therefore don't know what the word "sin" actually means - though they are beginning to get their heads around the word "stupid".

Jornalists Camp Out At Edinburgh Zoo.

Having spent half the summer camped outside the Lindo Wing waiting for the birth of the Royal baby and expelling copious amounts of hot air about nothing in particular, many Royal journalists are now rushing up the M6 in order to do exactly the same outside of Edinburgh Zoo. "We can hardly believe our luck," one breathless BBC reporter told the News In Shorts. "Much of what we do is money for old rope but this year has been a bonanza for us. First we had hours and hours of mindless rubbish about the Olympics, then hours and hours of mindless rubbish about an old lady being rowed down the Thames during the Jubilee, then hours and hours of mindless pap about the Royal birth and now the birth of a panda. Now, admittedly these are Chinese bears inconveniently located in some obscure Scottish town but, at the end of the day, its better than being sent to Afghanistan. We think this is a much better way to squander licence payer's money, especially with the police investigating possible fraud over the suspiciously large golden handshakes we've been giving each other recently. This should divert attention away from that nicely. We have many questions to ask the zoo keepers such as "What will you call the baby panda or pandas?" "Do you expect them to be black and white or white and black?" "Will they be taught English?" "What will the mother be wearing when she leaves the zoo?" Interesting stuff like that."

Tory Panic As The Party Chokes On Its Own Lies.

As membership of the Tory party dips below 100,000 for the first time since the 19th century, David Cameron and his gang of morons, idiots and crooks are beginning to panic. The first sign was when they retained the services of Barak Obama's campaign chief, Jim Messina. The panic was more clearly seen when 90 year old Tory Peers began to mutter about the advantages of Facebook, Twitter and "more effective communication" of their policies. It is evident that they believe that the disconnect between Westminster and the rest of the country is simply a matter of failing to get their message across. What they have missed, of course, is that the rest of the country is not disconnected from Westminster at all - we are all too aware of what these conmen, crooks and snake oil salesmen are up to. From taking bribes, awarding themselves massive pay increases, giving themselves platinum-plated pensions, providing themselves with lucrative property portfolios at taxpayer's expense and padding their expense accounts, MP's of all political persuasions have shown themselves up for what they are - self-interested, greedy, unprincipled and corrupt. When these people talk about "communication" what they are really saying is that they need more effective lies more effectively delivered to what they hope is an electorate as stupid as they are. Lies are lies and crooks are crooks, while no amount of "communication" will lance this particular boil.

Toryism Jumps The Species Barrier.

In response to the statement made in "The News in Shorts" yesterday by Professor Loon, the Liverpool Centre for Disease Control has issued a stark warning; "Professor Loon was far too optimistic in his statement about the recent spread of the new and more virulent form of the Tory pathogen. This disease had its origins in the United States before crossing the Atlantic during the mid-1970's when Ronald Reagan visited Britain. The British people at that time, having been exposed to similar pathogens over the last 1,000 years, were largely immune. However, Margaret Thatcher, the "Typhoid Mary" of British politics, caught the disease and infected the entire Tory party quite quickly. By the end of the 1990's the Labour party had also caught the disease and it seemed that only the Lib Dems remained completely immune. In 2008, however, it became apparent that the Lib Dems had also succumbed and had simply been hiding their symptoms from the electorate. While in the United States the disease displayed such symptoms as hallucinating that Communists or "Reds" were lurking under every bed and that owning a gun made people safer, in Britain a more alarming effect was an entire generation of politicians being born with their heads up their arses. This proved quite conclusively that the latest bout of Toryism is the most virulent form of the disease seen so far and there is growing evidence that it has now crossed the species barrier and is infecting real human beings. This was made possible by a new mechanism never before seen in the spread of infectious diseases - finger pointing. So far the multi-national drug companies have failed to find an effective vaccine to combat the disease, mainly because there's no money in it for them, and there is a real danger that the entire country might be infected while the whole of British society could soon perish en masse."

In A Time Of Austerity Can Britain Afford Scrounging Tories?

It is the burning question of the day - in a time of austerity with the British economy on its knees, can it afford to be run by a bunch of freeloading scroungers who've never done a real day's work in their lives? Is the Tory party, the receptacle for the prejudices and insane ideas of a lunatic right-wing fringe, a luxury that we simply can't afford? We asked a leading academic from Oxford University, Professor Loon, for his view; "The Tory party has in the past proven to be a very useful organisation into which all the lunatic ideas of the greedy, selfish and self-serving could be safely quarantined. This is fine when they have absolutely no chance whatsoever of forming a government, but they represent a real danger during times of economic stress when the electorate often become irrational and vote for them. Fortunately, after the last bout of Toryism under Thatcher and Major, the British people were partially cured and refused to give them an outright majority in the last general election. Unfortunately the Lib Dems were on hand to allow them into government and then gave them a free hand to inflict their lunatic ideas on the rest of the country. They immediately turned on the poorest and most vulnerable in our society in order to protect their own wealth and to help out their criminal mates in the banking sector. Having spent the last 30 years scrounging off the people who do the real work in Britain they were now given a chance to consolidate their position while flogging off national assets at knock-down prices to their pals and pocketing millions in bribes. Essentially they have moved on from "Greed is good" to "Corruption is good". Not that they needed much encouragement. Still we can look forward, in 2015, to at least a partial recovery from this latest bout of Toryism and some experts believe that, after this virulent form of the disease has run its course, then it might be eradicated once and for all from the British body politic".

Osborne Stokes The Fire That Has Already Burned Us.

There is little doubt that you would have to travel a long way to find a bigger economic ignoramus that Gideon (call me George) Osborne. His economic record, despite the over-heated hype of his spin doctors, is truly woeful. Not only has he managed to slow down to a crawl the economic recovery put in train by the last Labour government, he has slashed living standards of ordinary people in this country, missed every one of his growth and spending targets and managed to get property inflation going once again. In a country that needs 220,000 new houses every year he has failed to meet even half of this target, restricting supply when demand has never been higher. While the smug and self-satisfied rich own 2.3 million second homes, millions in this country are forced to pay excessive rents for the one third of ex-council houses that have found their way into the hands of unscrupulous and greedy buy-to-rent landlords. The Coalitions answer to this disastrous situation is to impose a bedroom tax on the poor to force them further into poverty or, worse, onto the streets so their former homes can be rented to those willing and able to pay more for them. Osborne, meanwhile, has reinvented subprime lending on the basis that it has been such an unqualified success in the past. His "Help To Buy" housing policy has encouraged the creation of a new mortgage lender, Magellan Homeloans, who are set to lend up to £400,000 to borrowers described by the new company as having 'experienced one-off event resulting in adverse credit record'. In other words, subprime borrowers. This brilliant idea is the brainchild of Matt Gilmour whose previous triumphs in this area have included Unity Homeloans which went bankrupt in 2008 in the wake of the banking crisis that was itself the result of reckless subprime lending. The truth is that the only way that Osborne and his Tory pals can protect the value of their property portfolios is to artificially keep prices high by restricting supply while this, in turn, can only be supported by granting mortgages on over-priced properties to those who can't really afford them. Way to go Ozzie! Is there any village out there missing an idiot?

Britain's Pork Barrell Politics.

After Danny Alexander's attempt to feather bed Lib Dem voters in Devon, it now emerges that he has already introduced American-style pork barrel politics into his own constituency in Scotland. While happy to force austerity on the rest of the country at the behest of his Tory pals, his own constituency has been the grateful recipient of some very lucrative goodies including public money for a tourist railway, a bailout for the London-Scotland sleeper train, tax breaks for ski lifts and a generous allocation from the pot to fund exemptions from the so-called “bedroom tax". The reason is easily understood since, without bribery, Danny Alexander is most unlikely to retain his seat at the next general election. This is simply yet another example of how low the Lib Dem party has sunk in the last three years, from wide-eyed idealists to corrupt money-grubbers in the blink of an eye. It is also yet another example of how the corruption rife in the Tory party has spread into the whole of the British body politic, poisoning debate and embedding the ideology of self-serving greed. It is little wonder, then, that participation in the political process in this country continues to shrink with general elections routinely being decided by less than 50% of the electorate. What is the point when the march of corruption seems so irresistible and our political parties are so eager to be corrupted? With the gap between the rich and poor accelerating to the point where it worse now in Britain than it is in Nigeria, undoubtedly the next general election will simply be just another stage on our descent from democracy to banana republic.

Britain's Coalition Of Evil.

The Tory track record on the economy has always been dire. From the 1920's when their ideological commitment to keeping the pound chained to the Gold Standard wrecked British exports, through the 1930's when they refused to do anything remotely useful to ease the Depression, to the 1970's and 80's when their hatred of the Unions led them to utterly destroy British industry, they have always put their insane prejudices ahead of reality. They have been able to do this because they are experts at lying to the electorate and have no conscience whatsoever about inflicting untold damage on ordinary people in order to feather their own nests. Britain is now in the midst of an unprecedented assault on those things that once made this country a truly civilized nation including a hate campaign against the disabled and disadvantaged in order to destroy the welfare state, the destruction of worker's rights (they are now less effective than they were during the Victorian period) and the dismantling of the NHS in preparation for its privatisation. They have been aided in this by the LibDems whose ideological about-face has been the most extraordinary in British political history and has left those who voted for them feeling horrified and utterly betrayed. Both of these parties have based these completely uncalled-for policies on the economic myth that it was Labour fiscal irresponsibility before 2008 that makes their insane agenda unavoidable. In this self-serving legend the banks and their greedy criminality have no role and it is the Labour party's tax and borrowing when in government that takes centre stage. Yet, as the Guardian points out today, borrowing in 2007 was at its lowest since 1997 when Labour first came to power and was a great deal lower than it was under the Tories. There is no fiscal crisis as the Tories describe and, what's more, there never was. The Coalition's economic policies are based purely on ideology and have absolutely nothing to do with reality. Deflationary policies during a recession are pure idiocy but are pursued by this government simply because it provides the necessary alibi to turn back the clock and return wealth and power to where they believe it belongs - to themselves.

LibDems Propose Fuel Subsidy For "Remote" Devon.

Danny Alexander, famous for his role as Beaker in "The Muppets", has today announced that his party intends to give those living in "remote" areas a fuel subsidy. This includes the largely LibDem voting county of Devon which, as everyone knows, lies in the far south of the country, just north of the Antartic Circle. "Devon is incredibly remote from the rest of the country," Alexander told us. "There are some people there who live nearly a mile from the nearest Chinese takeaway. There have been cases where people have set out to take their children to school and not arrived until six weeks later. It's so remote most British people don't live there and house prices are so low that even Londoner's can afford to buy them. It's shocking just how isolated the people who live there actually are. Many of them still think that Queen Victoria is on the throne and William Gladstone is Prime Minister while the biological diversity of the population is amongst the lowest in the country. In fact in-breeding is one of the biggest challenges facing the county while intelligence levels are so low that they still think that farming is a new, innovative and exciting advance in human endeavour. A fuel subsidy will go a long way to widening the outlook of these poor people and allow them to visit exotic locations such as Tunbridge Wells and even Brighton."