Tories Decide To Kill Yet More Pensioners This Winter.

The country's worst government since - well, forever - has decided that the soaring death rate amongst the elderly poor just isn't soaring enough and has quietly dropped the £20 million Warm Homes scheme to get the numbers up this winter. We asked a Tory spokesperson for a comment but they were all too busy padding out their expense accounts. So we asked a Lib Dem spokesperson instead; "You're lucky that I've finished filling out my expense form for the week," he told us. "As for this crafty, not to say nasty, policy decision I'm a Lib Dem so it's got nothing to do with me or my party. We just follow orders, so we're completely innocent of all charges. Now, it's obviously true that a great many old and useless poor people will die this winter because of this but they don't vote Lib Dem either so it doesn't really matter. We did promise to get a grip on the rising cost of fuel and I think we've delivered on that promise since prices have only risen by a measly 22%. That wouldn't have been possible without us in government you know. In fact I'm so delighted at our fantastic progress in the last three years that I'm confident that voters will flock to put us back into government in 2015. Not the nasty Tories obviously, but we can work with anyone as long as we can keep our nice cushy ministerial jobs. We're practically indispensable as far as I can see."

Tories Solve The Problem Of The Soaring Death Rate.

The Tory party, shocked that their policies of pauperising the entire country, throwing poor families onto the streets, abandoning the disabled and privatising the NHS have increased the death rate by 23,000 in three years, have changed their priorities. Instead of providing ammunition for the opposition to their vile regime they have decided to stop counting how many people die every year. "No one likes bad news," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "Especially the Tory party and, because of that, we've decided to sweep the facts under the carpet. As Iain Duncan Smith informed the country only a few weeks ago, our beliefs are far more important than inconsequential and inconvenient truths. Poor people dying is nothing new and our murderous policies are merely accelerating a desired trend. Britain cannot afford poor people and they have to die for the good of the country - especially for those parts of the country that vote Tory. The good news is that we no longer have to pay the pensions for these 23,000 useless people and my tax bill has been reduced quite nicely thank you. It is important that the electorate recognise that these deaths are fair since very few of the people dying before their time are actually rich. If they were rich people that would be unfair and we'd have to do something about it. We are now working on the solidly Tory view that what the people don't know won't worry them. This might well kill them but at least they'll die completely uninformed as all poor, ill-educated and Labour-voting scum should."

Why Voting Tory Costs Lives.

Since the Tories seized power with the help of their LibDem henchmen, the number of premature deaths in Britain has continued to climb. Suicide rates, especially amongst ex-servicemen, have soared as unemployment and cuts to benefits have led many into despair. Deaths amongst the sick have increased as it becomes increasingly difficult to access healthcare. Drug deaths are up, especially amongst the young, as the Tories withdraw from programmes designed to limit the damage. And, for the first time in a decade, road deaths have increased as the Tories slash road safety budgets. This is the true cost of austerity and, as the Tories know only too well, it affects ordinary people to a much higher degree than it does the rich. Once more it is the poor who are paying the price in blood for the crisis engineered by the fatcats in the finance and banking industry as the smug, self-satisfied and selfish dodge their fair share of the pain not to mention taxes. The Tories managed to lay waste to an entire generation back in the 1980's and, as predicted, they have used the present economic crisis as an excuse to lay waste to another one. Using the simplistic argument that a national budget is the same thing as a household budget, they have slashed and burned like the demented barbarians they always were.