Tory Nutters Stymie Lords Reform.

In a tremendous display of circular reasoning and spurious excuses Tory right-wing backbenchers , which is most of them, have launched a bid to scupper House of Lords reform. Led by the likes of Nicholas Soames, grandson of Sir Winston Churchill, they are "appalled" by the idea that a lucrative little earner when they retire may be taken off them. Hiding behind various spurious arguments about "democracy," something which every one of them would like to dispense with, the Tory backbenchers are also hoping to hand their LibDem coalition partners, something else they'd like to dispense with, a crushing defeat. In their usual way the Tories are hell bent of derailing reform in order to serve their own selfish ends and are cynically trying to manipulate public opinion against a long-overdue assault on their privileges. Far better, they tell us, to maintain this hang-over from the Medieval period - after all the rest of us are merely peasants and should do as we're told by the great and the good.

Osborne Sneaks Off To Defend Banker's Rights.

Taking advantage of all the inconsequential sporting nonsense crowding out real news in Britain, Goeorge Osborne is sneaking out of the country this Tuesday to defend his banking pals from EU legislation. While even the "Financial Times" recognises that the banking industry is a swamp founded on sheer criminality and the "Economic Times" wonders why bankers haven't organised themselves like the Mafia, George Osborne is trying to defend banker's bonuses and trying to fight off banking reform. The EU is attempting to peg bonuses to a 1:1 ratio with actual pay - hardly a world shattering reform - but Osborne is trying to stop even that, arguing that reform is no way to reform the industry. He, apparently, believes that there should be some sort of self-regulation in which altruistic and honest bankers fix their own bonuses. In other words exactly the same system that has allowed bankers to seal money on an industrial scale and pauperise the rest of us for their own utterly selfish ends. Why would any sane politician do such a thing? Because Osborne, his fellow Tory gangsters and City bankers are all members of the same criminal fraternity. It is becoming increasingly clear that Britain does not have an economy, it has a criminal conspiracy and Osborne is determined that the City, a den of thieves by any reckoning, must be protected at all costs. In many ways its a pity that Osborne and his banking pals are not organised like the Mafia as the "Economic Times" suggests - at least then we might look forward to them machine-gunning each other in dark cellars every now and again.

Is The Hosepipe Ban Over Yet?

The Tory plan to hold the British people hostage and make them watch the Olympics whether they want to or not has gone spectacularly wrong as the country disappears into the North Sea under the onslaught from the summer monsoon. Although the European football was always doomed to be a disappointment, with Andy Murray in the men's final at Wimbledon during Diamond Jubilee year and the usual excitement surrounding the British Grand Prix, the Tories should have it made with diversions that any political party would die for. Unfortunately it has all gone pear-shaped as England left the European Cup in the usual penalty shoot-out, the Jubilee celebrations became a very damp squib, Andy Murray has been forced to play under a roof and the Grand Prix has become an exercise in aqua-planing. Now the Tories are regretting making foreign holidays out of reach for most of us as those with no interest in pointless sporting-fests are forced indoors and switch to news channels out of sheer boredom. Worse yet, as far as the water companies are concerned, the proof that this island can never be seriously considered to be in a drought is now being beamed directly into our front rooms. What will come next from these greedy utility companies - accusations that we are stealing their water by selfishly storing it in our back gardens and living rooms?

Osborne Shoots Himself In The Foot.

When the LIBOR fixing scandal hit the front pages George Osborne began immediately to take action. Unfortunately he did not swing into action as a Chancellor should - trying to get to the bottom of the wrong-doing and put a stop to it - he swung into action as the unthinking, knee-jerk reacting Tory numbskull that he always was. Acting on an unfounded whisper that Ed Balls was somehow involved in the scandal and without bothering to check his facts he launched a campaign of vilification against his rival that came unstuck before it even began. While Bob Diamond made it crystal clear that he felt no pressure from either Ed Balls or Gordon Brown, George Osborne was feverishly trying to dig up dirt against the Labour party amongst leading City officials. What he found was nothing. With little choice he started to back-pedal like mad, trying to make out that he hadn't actually accused Ed Balls of anything, despite the fact that it was in black and white in the "Spectator." Now David Cameron has distanced himself, recognising that Osborne's attacks were motivated by personal animosity and have no foundation in truth. Senior Tories are distancing themselves as well, making it clear that Osborne is now regarded as an idiot and a liability to his party. Yet, as Tories have told the "Guardian", George Osborne still doesn't realise how spectacularly wrong his attack has gone. If the ridiculous budget and the numerous u-turns he's been forced into were not bad enough, this ill-considered campaign has now finally revealed Osborne for what he is - a spoilt rich brat without a brain in his head.

Economists Re-Discover The Keynes Boson.

In a parallel discovery to that at CERN it is reported that economists have rediscovered the fabled Keynes Boson - the particle that imparts integrity into the banking universe. Named after the economist John Maynard Keynes, the Keynes Boson has always been known to exist but was replaced, in theoretical economics, by the Hyek Boson in 1979 in order to release the immense energy contained within the criminality nucleus. Theoretical economists have long known that the Hyek Boson has no foundation in reality but presented it as an alternative to wealthy politicians looking to avoid the black hole of taxation for themselves and their rich mates. Heralded as a great success when introduced by Margaret Thatcher, the Hyek Boson not only dispenses with the need for integrity in banking, it also completely dispenses with the need for fairness. Unfortunately the Hyek Boson also has the disastrous side effect that has been largely ignored for 30 years - it unravels economic reality and turns banks into super-massive black holes from which nothing can escape - especially light. The rediscovery of the Keynes Boson has not been universally welcomed and we asked George Osborne, an enthusiastic believer in the Hyek Boson, for his reaction; "Its a bleeding disaster. How the hell can I protect my money from the taxation black hole if fairness is restored to the economic universe? What is needed is a new meeting of the G20 so the Keynes Boson can be undiscovered once and for all."

Diamond Jumps Before Being Pushed.

Bob Diamond has at last seen that his position as CEO of Barclay's Bank is no longer tenable. He is now contemplating his next big challenge - how much of a golden handshake can he glum out of the petty cash? No doubt the sum involved will be what the rest of us would regard as a lottery win. Meanwhile George Osborne has asked Labour to "see sense" and stop demanding a full judicial review of the banking industry. "What we need now are some rushed and ill-considered reforms that will achieve nothing and allow banks to continue their criminal activities behind a convenient fig leaf. Wealthy people like me still need the banks to be closed to close scrutiny so we can dodge the taxes that Finance Ministers like me make other people pay. There is no alternative....We're all in this together....Big Society, etc, etc. You get the picture." Of course a full judicial review might also uncover some other "unfortunate" truths, such as the billions of pounds that British banks have happily laundered for various criminal regimes across the world. We might, for instance, learn how one of Colonel Gadaffi's sons was able to buy a £10 million mansion in London (complete with home cinema and private nightclub) on a declared income of less than £30,000 a year or how the £3 billion stolen from Libya as Tripoli fell ended up in the British Virgin Isles.

Barclays Investigates What It Actually Does.

Barclays Bank has promised a "root and branch" investigation into how they do business. "Anything to keep attention away from the top of the tree," Bob Diamond told our reporter today. "It's a good thing anyway since I haven't got a clue what we do here or why." Meanwhile the government is insisting that no further public enquiry is needed. "We already know they're a bunch of crooks so what's the point?" David Cameron told our reporter. "However, while all bankers are crooks, not all crooks are bankers and we need to know why. What is it about banking that attracts some crooks and not others? Why aren't more of them attracted the politics where they're really needed? I believe it may be a matter of renumeration. Perhaps if the Prime Minister was paid £17 million a year like Bob Diamond then we'd get the calibre of crook in politics that Britain deserves. These are the fundamental questions that urgently need answering."

Police Appeal To Rioters For Help.

The police have today issued an urgent appeal to all would-be rioters. Outlining the causes and course of last years riots, they have come to the conclusion that they didn't have enough officers to cope - a situation that has now been made infinitely worse because of the recent government spending cuts. "What we need is another round of rioting to frighten the politicians into restoring our budget," the police source told our reporter. "We are appealing to all hoodies, Anarchists and gangsters to get out on the streets and help us out here. Of course the summer monsoon isn't helping matters, but as soon as we get a spell of good weather we need them out on the streets pronto." We asked a leading Anarchist for his view; "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a leader. I'm a bleeding Anarchist and we don't have leaders. Sod the police - they've never helped us. Ask the hoodies - they're game for anything." Despite the appeal, however, police budgets remain under threat and the rioters have been put off by the weather. We next turned to the government for their view of the situation and a spokesperson told us, "Riots? What riots?"

Liam Fox Urges Economic Suicide.

In a speech intended to herald his political comeback and stab his leader between the shoulder blades, Liam Fox has called for a referendum on Britain's membership of the EU. "We in the Tory party have already come a long way in destroying the British economy, but I strongly believe that the British people themselves should have the opportunity to pass the death sentence on it," he told reporters today. "As the party tnat believes that unthinking prejudice, especially when directed at Johnny Foreigner, is the best basis for policy decision-making it is only right that we should ask those least qualified to make the final judgement and no one is least qualified than your average British voter. The last thing we need now is cool heads and a sensible outlook. If we, as a nation, are to enter into a mutual suicide pact then we should do it togther like the lemmings we are. This is Britain and we should not soil our hands with anything as sordid as trade - unless its arms manufacturing or banking of course." Meanwhile David Cameron, still staggering from this latest knife in the back, promised a referendum. "There will have to be a referendum soemtime in the next million years or so," he said. "However, what the question should actually be depends on what answer we want. It's no good having a straightforward in-or-out vote. That will only confuse the electorate and make it difficult for them to choose the answer we're looking for. What we need is a more obscure question that can be interpreted in the way we want."

Neoliberalism Comes Of The Rails.

The idea of neoliberal economics seems to have run its course in Britain as the system it created is submerged under a tide of scandal and criminality. People are getting really, really tired of being pissed on and being then told its raining. The catalyst for the change in thinking that has taken place was the sheer criminal greed displayed by the banks who shouted loudly for deregulation and then indulged themselves in a law-breaking and common-sense-defying gambling spree that wrecked the world economy. The present scandal over the Libor is simply the tip of a very dirty iceberg and demonstrates quite clearly what the "News in Shorts" has been saying for some time - these people are criminals and should be thrown into prison where they belong. Despite the mounting evidence, however, the present government has tried to forcefeed the country with ever more unpalatable and ultimately self-defeating neoliberal nostrums. Fortunaterly there are growing signs that the tide is beginning to turn at last. After decades in which the Labour party seemed as much in thrall to the likes of Margaret Thatcher as the Tories themselves, socialist principles such as fairness and regulation are making a comeback. In London the council in Islington has refused to take advantage of Eric Pickles offer to allow them to hike council-house rents up to the astronomical levels charged by greedy private landlords and deny tenants any security of tenure. More telling still is that the Labour party is actively considering a renationalism of the railways, removing the private companies, who have plundered the transport system in their quest for ever-growing profits, once more from the equation. Only two years ago, under the shadow of Thatcher and the neoliberal economic nonsense, that would have been unthinkable. Hopefully it will only be a matter of time before the same sea-change happens with regard to the utilities - water, gas and electricity. Meanwhile the Tory party is descending into complete chaos as right-wingers continue to feed Cameron with soundbite policies that both terrify and disgust the electorate and George Osborne completes his latest u-turn, while the Chancellor now has a new nickname amongst Tory backbenchers - "Bastard."