Discovering The Real World.

Those who pretend to run our country and our economy have been talking about their amazement at discovering the real world this week. Mark Carney, the head of the Bank of England, started it all by coming to the incredible conclusion that it might be a good idea if criminal bankers are punished instead of rewarded. "It suddenly occurred to me that bankers are just like ordinary criminals," Mr.Carney told our reporter, "and, like ordinary criminals, will stop being criminals if they are punished for their crimes instead of being handed billions of pounds of taxpayers money to support their film star lifestyles. A radical thought, I know, but perhaps worth considering." Such is the power of radical thought that David Cameron paused for a moment in his headlong rush to punish poor people for the crimes of wealthy bankers and thought about the impact of the world economy on the domestic economy. "There are red lights flashing on the dashboard of the world economy," he warned Parliament. "Although the last Labour government claimed that the recent recession was caused by the banking sector committing collective suicide I had no idea that economic conditions in the rest of the world could really have an impact here in Britain. Of course it was still all Labour's fault, but I've now realised that my own complete and utter economic failure can be blamed on some one else. Phew, what a relief! Luckily for me the answer to another recession caused by a mindless programme of austerity is yet more mindless austerity." Meanwhile, from the world of entertainment, Myleene Klass has been talking about her sudden realisation that being taxed out of your home might be a bad thing. "I've heard about poor people moaning that they have been forced out of their homes by the bedroom tax but, until now, I thought it was just a bunch of benefit scroungers whinging. The mansion tax, however, has made me realise that rich people like me might have to pay taxes as well and force us out of our humble £2 million hovels. This is outrageous since rich people are far more important than poor scum." Still, as the police have found out this week, looking at the real world is not always a good thing especially when it comes to counting recorded crime. As a police spokesman told our reporter; "The problem with counting all crime is that it puts the crime rate up and brings into question our effectiveness as a police force. In order to combat the rising tide of crime while enhancing our reputation it has become increasingly necessary to ignore most of it."

Police Demand Water Cannon To Control Protestestors.

The photograph above shows the sort of damage water cannons can inflict on the people they are turned on. Impressed by this Police chiefs in Britain have told the government that they need this weapon to contain the expected protests this summer at austerity measures. The fact that any government that needs to deploy such weapons to control the anger of its own citizens has lost all legitimacy does not impress the likes of Cameron and his Bullingdon bully boys one whit. To them we are dumb beasts who need to be threatened and beaten into submission since we refuse to believe their self-serving propaganda and accept their one-sided arguments that they need more while we should make do with less. As usual the Tories are employing their favourite tactic of blaming the victims of their vicious and nasty little fantasies, labelling any protest against them as "criminal behaviour." How does this differ from the Assad regime in Syria that labels any protest as "terrorism"? That the police in Britain would demand such weapons and use the threat of unrest because of austerity as a reason has forgotten the most basic principle of policing in this country - that it is entirely dependent on the willingness of the public to be policed. That the police believe they need to use such a thing in case of "situations of serious public disorder" demonstrates the depths to which this country has fallen when those paid to protect the public do not see that serious public disorder would not occur if we still had a fair and just society. Like the government in general they have forgotten that they are hired by us to do a job - they were not hired to beat us into submission.

So, What Are The Police For Again?

G4S, the same people who failed utterly to meet their cotractural obligations to provide security at the Olympics, has begun to advertise for staff to help the police investigate crime. Of course one of the main reasons behind this development is the Tory desire to drive down wages so they and their mates can steal even more public money. So we can all soon look forward to such crimes as burglary being "investigated" by undertrained staff on the minimum wage. Criminals must be rubbing their hands together with glee - especially those in the Tory party. But all this rather begs the question as to what the police force will be used for. Today this reporter was brought face to face with the answer in no uncertain terms when he was issued with a speeding ticket. They will be redeployed to ambush essentially innocent motorists simply trying to get to work. There is a good economic argument for this. Criminals are difficult to apprehend and, even when they are, prove to be a costly luxury what with the spiralling costs of imprisonment. They tend not to pay fines either. Ordinary motorists, on the other hand, are easy to trace, tend to pay their fines and cost little to apprehend. It's a simple exercise in cost-effectiveness and there's nothing the Tories like more than squeezing the public for a few extra quid so they can feather their own nests. Now we can all relish the sight of thousands of burglars roving around the country stealing whatever they can get their hands on pursued by teenagers on "work experience" on the one hand and thousands of policemen and women roving around the country in order to steal money from the public on the other. It will be a Tory paradise and hell on earth for the rest of us.

Police Appeal To Rioters For Help.

The police have today issued an urgent appeal to all would-be rioters. Outlining the causes and course of last years riots, they have come to the conclusion that they didn't have enough officers to cope - a situation that has now been made infinitely worse because of the recent government spending cuts. "What we need is another round of rioting to frighten the politicians into restoring our budget," the police source told our reporter. "We are appealing to all hoodies, Anarchists and gangsters to get out on the streets and help us out here. Of course the summer monsoon isn't helping matters, but as soon as we get a spell of good weather we need them out on the streets pronto." We asked a leading Anarchist for his view; "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a leader. I'm a bleeding Anarchist and we don't have leaders. Sod the police - they've never helped us. Ask the hoodies - they're game for anything." Despite the appeal, however, police budgets remain under threat and the rioters have been put off by the weather. We next turned to the government for their view of the situation and a spokesperson told us, "Riots? What riots?"