Tories Send 1,000 Dying People Advice On How To Get Work.

In an attempt to emulate Ian Duncan Smith's favourite pin up, Jeusus Christ, the Tories believe they have found a way to raise the dead - or at least make themselves useful while they are dying. Over 1,000 people in the final stages of terminal illness have been sent letters outlining how they might get work and get themselves off benefits before they expire. We asked a Tory party spokesperson for their view; "We don't see dying as an excuse for not contributing to society or at least to the Treasury through the payment of taxes and national insurance. There are far too many selfish people in this country who seem to think that having a terminal illness means they can become benefit scroungers. It has been suggested that these letters are somewhat insensitive but we refute that. As Anne Milton has rightly pointed out many of those with terminal illnesses are northerners and, therefore, don't qualify as being human. Worse yet many have these people are suffering from self-inflicted illnesses because they've tried to enjoy their lives instead of dedicating it to making rich people even richer. Poor people are born to work until they drop and provide the money that bankers, politicians and the landed gentry need for their vast pension pots. And they needn't think that dying will get them off the hook - dead people can still make a contribution. They also serve who only lie and rot."

China Promises New World Order.

After 100 years of American dominance of the world during which time it has been criticised for doing too much or doing nothing at all and of pushing its own secret agenda, China has signalled a new era of open honesty. They honestly don't give a damn for what is happening in Syria as long as they can assure their oil supply and couldn't give a rat's ass for global warming if it threatens their air travel industry. Having blocked UN sanctions over the murder of ordinary Syrians by their own government, they have also told the EU where they can shove their green tax on air travel. Many who have suspected US motives in the past have greeted this new openess with relief. "American foreign policy was always about oil," a leading critic of the US told our foreign affairs correspondent, "and its good to see a new super power whose interests are more widely focussed to include as many resources as they can get their hands on. We are now looking forward to a less interventionist future in which countries, such as Syria and of course China itself, can kill their own citizens without gratuitous US military intervention. While the US has paid mere lip service to the control of greenhouse gasses, China has the new and refreshing approach of ignoring it completely."

Select Committee Warn Of Right Wing Terrorism.

In an unusual display of perspicacity the Home Affairs Select Committee has warned the government about the dangers of extreme right-wing terrorism. "Many extreme right-wingers hate minorities," Keith Vaz, the Labour chairman of the committee, told the "News In Shorts," "and will target small groups such as the disabled, foreigners and the poor. They will often display a sense of grievance against such people - unfairly blaming them for the country's problems while completely ignoring the real culprits. We have increasing evidence that far-right organisations in Britain are making contact with similar groups in Europe and sharing information." We asked a leading Tory member of the committee for his view; "Ian Duncan Smith has expressed his own growing unease about this development and is firmly convinced that much of it is due to the long-term unemployed, many of whom are secret billionaire international terrorists, and the disabled, most of whom are known to carry explosive devices in their wheelchairs. Andrew Lansley harbours deep suspicions about doctors and nurses and Michael Gove has no doubt that many teachers are actually closet terrorists. However, both David Cameron and George Osborne believe that we can limit the threat by paying banker's bonuses, raising executive pay and cutting taxes on the wealthy. This, they are certain, will remove the basis of all unfounded grievances and return the country to its former state of happy unconsciousness." Our own political editor expressed a different perspective on the committee's warnings; "Is Keith Vaz taking the piss or what?"

Lansley In The Pay Of Private Healthcare Company.

Andrew Lansley, Minister For Denying Poor People Medical Care, has been revealed to be in the pay of the private healthcare company Care UK. The company handed over £21,000 to Lansley to "fund" his private office and "donated" £60,000 to the Tory party in 2009 alone. Meanwhile Lansley has also been responsible for witholding information from the public domain, despite rulings from the Information Commissioner, that details how his policy will cause "a surge in healthcare costs," that the extra costs involved in bringing in more private healthcare provision will make the NHS unafordable and that doctors in commissioning groups lack the financial expertise to run such businesses. We asked Mr.Lansley for his view; "I can't understand why I'm still getting all this opposition to my plan to cash in on the NHS. I've lied to the public, mislead parliament and witheld information, but people still insist on disagreeing with me. Personally I blame the doctors and nurses who have the arrogance to suggest they know more about healthcare than I do. They might know how to cure people and things like that but they nothing about running a profitable business and fleecing desperate customers - they still insist on calling them patients for instance. It's tragic - especially for my offshare bank accounts which are looking decidedly unhealthier than I'd like. The NHS is safe in my hands and will be even safer as far as I'm concerned when I've put a good wad of it into my back pocket. People simply can't get it through their thick heads that they are standing between me and my retirement fund - selfish bastards."

Tory MP's Move To Undermine Wind Farms.

Tory backbench MP's have moved swiftly to take advantage of the confusion left at the Energy Ministry in the wake of Chris Huhne's resignation to undermine wind farms. "Now that LibDem twat is out of the way," a Tory backbencher told us, "and before another LibDem twat takes over, we have a chance to slash the subsidy these evil machines attract. Not that we are against wind farms as such - we're just against those wind farms that are visible from where we live. We don't mind saving the planet as long as we don't have to suffer the intolerable burden of spoiling the view from our living rooms. Many of them could be located in working-class areas or in Scotland and Wales where we have no MP's anyway. Better yet we could install treadmills in jobcentres and make the unemployed supply electricity to the grid. There are many things that could be done rather than spoiling good grouse shooting or fox hunting country. I myself have directly suffered as a windmill has spoilt the view of the electricity pylons in the field next door."

NHS In Secret Monitoring Of CJD.

Amid fears that a new wave of CJD cases is about to hit the British population, the NHS is secretly monitoring and testing patients for signs that they may be developing the disease. We asked a leading Tory spokesperson for the government reaction; "We are very concerned that if there is a CJD outbreak people will remember that Margaret's Thatcher's deregulation of the food industry was responsible for it in the first place. That might prove disasterous as we try to deregulate even more industries in the future - especially our plans to deregulate the health industry in order to allow businessmen to perform brain operations and fill working-class women's boobs with sand and cement. There have been rumours that several members of David Cameron's government are already showing signs of the disease but I can allay public fears on that score - they've always been that crazy. We're also worried that any outbreak will derail our plans to bury Margaret Thatcher at public expense and, on the back of the publicity, grab a few more votes from those who are easily impressed by such things. It's a real headache I can tell you. Still we might just be able to reclassify any deaths as due to smoking if the victims are working class scum or selfless service to the nation if they're wealthy."

Tory Rank And File Think Party Is Not Evil Enough.

Much of the Tory rank and file are angry that David Cameron and his bunch of cronies are not taking advantage of the electorate's complete stupidity and are failing to be as evil as they could be. We asked a leading Tory businessman, pictured above, for his opinion; "David Cameron has a chance here to really put the boot into the working-class scum in this country but seems reluctant to do so. Taking money from disabled children was a good start but we have yet to see them starving in the streets. Nor have the unemployed been hounded anywhere near enough to chase non-existant and badly paid jobs so that people like me can get our hands on even more cash. Worse yet he has utterly failed to champion the bankers, whose brilliance and economic common sense have been an outstanding success over the last 30 years. He should reinstate Fred Goodwin's knighthood for a start off - I think he's been punished enough after getting only a measly £12 million for his old age. I must say, however, that the government's handling of the public finances has been outstanding with the economy nearer to its last gasp than it has been in many years. The problem seems to be that he's too centarist -chasing votes when he doesn't need to ans listening to the electorate who are of no account whatsoever. He's got most people completely blindsided and should now press home the advantage to pauperise the entire country while he has the chance. As to Europe, he should now build on his success after using the veto and isolate us completely from the only markets we have left. What he needs to do is ditch the LibDems, call an early election and think up a whole new raft of promises he doesn't intend to keep while failing to mention the nasty things we in the party want doing. Personally I won't be happy until I have stuffed working class child as a footstool."

The Tories: Buggering Up The Country So You Don't Have To.

Chris Huhne's Resignation "Great Loss To The Government."

Chris Huhne, pictured above demonstrating why he claims for lessons on the harp on expenses, has been described by his paliamentary private secretary as "a great loss to the government" because he "brought balance to the cabinet." We asked the secretary to explain more fully; "Chris was a grasping liar who's own wife couldn't trust him whereas the rest of the cabinet are grasping liars who can't be trusted by anyone. It is a great pity that the LibDems have lost such a resourceful and talented liar just when they need him the most. The "Friends of the Earth" are in deep mourning for this dedicated environmentalist though friends of his wife are not quite so impressed. Still, we have to look on the bright side. His replacement will be more popular with the Tory side of the Coalition since they hope he'll be even less effective than Chris was and Chris might beat the rap yet for all we know. I hope so since I hate to see a talented serial liar like him going to waste in banking."

What Exactly Does George Osborne Do For A Living?

George Osborne, know to his colleagues as "The Submarine" because of his habit of disappearing when there's any hint of trouble and with a reputation for being somewhat slow-witted, has been lambasted in the "Telegraph" today. The "News in Shorts" has long called him the "alleged" Chancellor because of his lack of committment to the job and because of his half-baked ideas that have delivered nothing but economic disaster. It is gratifying that the "Telegraph" agrees and calls him the "part-time Chancellor," while offering a swinging criticism of his policy towards RBS which seems to consist of having no policy at all. Essentially the article brings into the open the dangerous prevarication of Osborne who has failed to defuse the time-bomb that RBS still represents. Having allowed it to continue being run by investment bankers instead of handing it over to people who actually know what they are doing, he has also failed to break it up and it remains "too big to fail." The consequencies if it does go under, after Osborne's total failure to get to grips with it, are truely horrendous and would literally wipe this country off the map. In conjunction with Lloyds TSB their total exposure amounts to £1.6 trillion - more than the entire defence budget for a year and more than the present national debt. Yet, despite the danger this represents Osborne has effectively washed his hands of the problem while he and his cronies concentrate on pauperising the already poor. This government is not simply incompetent, elitist and vicious it is also monumentally supid. So stupid it actually represents the greatest threat to this country since Hitler threatened to invade in 1940.