Now Dave Knows How Labour Leaders Feel.

With Lord Ashcroft's accusations spread all over the tabloids David Cameron has today learned what it feels like to be a leader of the Labour party. Such musings as to why Jeremy Corbyn didn't sing "God save the Queen" and, perhaps with more relevancy, Ed Miliband's tussle with a bacon sandwich have suddenly become small beer compared with David Cameron putting his naughty bits into the mouth of a dead pig. Now "Call me Dave" is about to find out why truth is such a precious commodity when no one cares if something is true or not. The false accusations in the right wing press that Jeremy Corbyn described the death of Bin Laden as a "tragedy" were a deliberate slur calculated to damage his reputation. Now, with Lord Ashcroft's tales of Cameron at University, the boot is very firmly on the other foot. The story about the dead pig is so memorable and so funny that it really doesn't matter whether its true or not - the damage has been done and will probably never be undone. The Tories love to deal in lies, half-truths and scurrilous accusations. Now we can all sit back and enjoy watching them deal with this one already dubbed "Piggate". But the whole episode tells us something much more important than the truth or otherwise about Cameron's behaviour at University because it allows us a glimpse into the mind of a Tory like Lord Ashcroft. Annoyed that his bankrolling of the Tory party didn't lead to an undeserved job strutting about making himself look important, Ashcroft has turned on his erstwhile friend with appalling nastiness. Cameron shouldn't be surprised nor even disappointed since this is what Toryism is all about - spite, nastiness and stabbing others in the back. Cameron should instead take comfort in the fact that Ashcroft is merely acting in character and is simply doing what any Tory would do when his or her ambition and selfishness are thwarted. Nasty is the name of the game in Tory politics and Dave is now reaping his just reward for being so nasty to everyone else. In the immortal words of that great philosopher of Western culture, Bart Simpson, "Eat my shorts."

David Cameron's Naughty Bits.

Lord Ashcroft, understandably miffed because he didn't get a nice lucrative sinecure after bailing out the Tory party, has turned on David Cameron with a vengeance. He has decided to tell the rest of us all about Dave's high jinks when he was a student. Much of this must, of course, be regarded as sheer spite. I mean, what student hasn't put his naughty bits into the mouth of a dead pig for God's sake? Certainly such behaviour is par for the course amongst the Bullingdon set where study, as the Tory cabinet's grip on their various jobs demonstrates, came a distant second to behaving like a complete twat. Dave's experience as a student has served him well now he's Prime Minister. How else could a Tory toff gain the disdain necessary to lord it over the rest of us peasants and the grit necessary to be such a total swine? Did putting his naughty bits into the mouth of a dead pig give Dave a sexually transmitted disease the symptoms of which include becoming a swine? Is this how all Tories become swine? Is that how Lord Ashcroft become a swine and a Tory? It would explain a great deal about the party in general and its members in particular. The question is can Dave survive this onslaught on his character? The answer, if the Tory party has anything to do with it, is a resounding "yes" since it has little interest in character and regards swinish behaviour as the main, if not the only, qualification for the job of Tory Prime Minister. But what about the rest of us? Is having a Prime Minister with a penchant for Necrobeastiality good for the country? Will other world leaders snigger behind his back? Are any animals, living or dead, safe in his presence? I'll never be able to enjoy a bacon sandwich in the same way again.

Lord Ashcroft, Tax Avoidance And Pretending He's More Than A Conman.

Lord Ashcroft likes to pretend he's not simply the greedy conman we all think he is. Of late he's gone to great lengths to persuade us that he's some sort of historian after getting one of his publishing mates to print his boy's own history of British heroes. Now the BBC are trying to make out that he's a "widely respected pollster and internet politics magnate". Despite this he remains a grubby and greedy individual whose only interest in life is himself. Listening to Ed Miliband's speech yesterday he saw that the jig might be up for the selfish and self-serving. He decided, therefore, that his only course of action was to try an elevate his greed and avarice to a higher level. "I'm proud to be a tax avoider" he told Labour delegates as if this makes him noble in some way. "I give away the equivalent of my tax bill to charity," he asserted, though he neglected to say that his favourite charity is the Tory party. So what does this add to our knowledge of Lord Ashcroft? First that his arrogance knows no bounds - only he knows what is good for society and how money should be distributed - and two, that he is desperate to show people that he's more than just a conman. He has the sheer brass neck then to lecture the Labour party and darkly suggest that the election is "Ed Miliband's to lose". Presumably this will come about if we fail to heed to his self-serving drivel. What Ashcroft is trying to do is highjack what he sees as a powerful political message, to surf a new wave that otherwise threatens to sweep him and his kind away. He remains, however, nothing more than a greedy, selfish crook and should be given all the attention that such people deserve - none.

Tories Choose "Alpha Male" As Campaign Manager.

The man pictured above is an Australian named Lynton Crosby and he is, according to Tim Montgomerie the editor of political website ConservativeHome, a Tory party posterboy, the "alpha male that Team Cameron has been missing." The reason for this fulsome praise is that Mr.Crosby was Boris Johnson's campaign manager during the mayoral election in London. Renowned for inserting "subliminal messages" into his campaign strategy over things such as law and order and immigration, it is fascinating to speculate on what his advice to David Cameron might be; "Rule Number One: Change hairstyle and colour in order to more closely resemble a Morlock. Rule Number Two: Mumble incoherently and engagingly when any serious subject is broached. Rule Number Three: All Tory candidates must train to dangle comically when stranded on a zip wire. Rule Number Four: All speeches should be irrelevant rambling diatribes with no discernable facts that can be used against the party by the opposition. Rule Number Five: Back stabbing should only be understaken in the dark and denied immediately if anyone else notices. Rule Number Six: All lies should be delivered with a wry and sheepish grin." However the choice of Mr Crosby has not been greeted with universal praise in the Tory party. Lord Ashcroft has warned that his appointment could be "a recipe for... conflict and confusion." Confusion, of course, is something that Lord Ashcroft knows quite a lot about since he persists in describing himself as an "historian" on the basis of a Higher National Diploma in Business studies from the Mid-Essex Technical College and seems to have no idea what taxes actually are.

Lord Ashcroft - The Historian Of Planet Tory.

Lord Ashcroft, the world's leading "Boy's Own" historian, has today offered his intellectually irrefutable argument as to how the Tories will win the next general election. The Peer who has lately taken to describing himself as "an historian" on the basis of his Higher National Diploma in Business Studies from the Mid-Essex Technical College, argues that the Tories will win because of a "a tangible improvement in the economy" and because the electorate will come to love their "firm but humane welfare reform(s)". Drawing on his considerable knowledge of political history after his detailed study of how some people win medals, he has concluded that "overall the current Government is broadly competent." Despite this view from Planet Tory, few even in the Tory party itself would agree with the intellectually challenged tax avoider as Labour surges to an eleven point lead over them and Jonathan Luff, a senior Downing Street aide, announces he is leaving the government in order to take up a job with more integrity at the loan shark company Wonga. We asked Lord Ashcroft why he would choose to believe that a government with such a woeful record of competence and one that is universally hated by everyone with two working brain cells could possibly win the next election; "The Tory party is the best political party that money can buy," he told our reporter. "I know because I've been buying it for years.

Ashcroft Fires Warning Salvo.

Lord Ashcroft has taken time off from pretending to be an academic to tell David Cameron how to run the Tory party that he part owns. Describing the recent cabinet reshuffle as "mystifying" he criticised the Prime Minister for ditching ministers with real "concrete achievements" to their credit. He seems to be particularly incensed at the removal of Nick Gibb who, he says, improved "the way primary school children are taught to read." On the complete destruction of the economy, the assault on the weak and vulnerable and the privatisation of the NHS, Lord Ashcroft was strangely silent, as he warned that the reshuffle had "done nothing to improve the chances of a Tory majority at the next election." No kidding, Sherlock! Meanwhile the "Times" has quietly announced its conversion away from George Osborne's austerity programme declaring that "significant cuts into public spending that not only hurt vulnerable people but would take money out of the economy just as it was beginning to see fragile signs of growth." Funny, that's what Labour have been saying for two-and-a-half years now. The party itself is also becoming restive with rumours flying about of a possible coup against Cameron and his replacement by some other swivel-eyed nutter or crook such as Michael Gove, David (Back From The Dead) Davis or that eminently electectable village idiot, Boris Johnson. The Tory party seems to be rapidly morphing into the political equivalent of a Marx brothers film with Groucho, David Cameron, being upstaged by Harpo, Boris Johnson, complete with his "parp-parp" car horn.