Lord Ashcroft, the world's leading "Boy's Own" historian, has today offered his intellectually irrefutable argument as to how the Tories will win the next general election. The Peer who has lately taken to describing himself as "an historian" on the basis of his Higher National Diploma in Business Studies from the Mid-Essex Technical College, argues that the Tories will win because of a "a tangible improvement in the economy" and because the electorate will come to love their "firm but humane welfare reform(s)". Drawing on his considerable knowledge of political history after his detailed study of how some people win medals, he has concluded that "overall the current Government is broadly competent." Despite this view from Planet Tory, few even in the Tory party itself would agree with the intellectually challenged tax avoider as Labour surges to an eleven point lead over them and Jonathan Luff, a senior Downing Street aide, announces he is leaving the government in order to take up a job with more integrity at the loan shark company Wonga. We asked Lord Ashcroft why he would choose to believe that a government with such a woeful record of competence and one that is universally hated by everyone with two working brain cells could possibly win the next election; "The Tory party is the best political party that money can buy," he told our reporter. "I know because I've been buying it for years.
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