Tories Tackle Cost Of Living By Putting Prices Up.

If David Cameron was thrown into utter confusion by Ed Miliband's promise to freeze energy prices if he wins the next election then he has now come out fighting. His "Help To Buy" scheme is on course to help middle-ranking bankers buy their first home in London and to ease the burdens of buy-to-rent millionaires. His married tax allowance, expected to cause a stampede to the alter, will help at least five or six couples situated in the Home Counties as long as one of them doesn't work. He is now set to flog Royal Mail, a nationally owned asset, at a knock down price to his rich mates. His greatest triumph in defence of the common man, however, is his initiative to cap rail fare increases to 6.1%. We asked the Prime Minister how increasing prices helps to tackle the cost of living crisis; "Well, rail prices might be going up by twice the rate of inflation but it could have been worse. The rail companies said they wanted at least 11% to make the 6.1% they actually wanted look reasonable and we in the Tory were happy to oblige, especially if we get a backhander out of it. Our "Help To Buy" scheme will take the pressure off a great many middle-ranking bankers who would otherwise have to live is far less fashionable areas of London and off our mates in the buy-to-rent sector who have been very worried that rents might fall to reasonable levels. Our tax break for married couples will help hardworking couples only one of whom actually works and should benefit virtually no one thus costing the Exchequer nothing at all. All of this compares very favourably, I believe, with Ed Miliband's evil Marxist conspiracy to actually help ordinary people by freezing energy prices. Now my policies might not help ordinary people one bit but that's the price we all have to pay to prevent Reds from conquering the world and spoiling things for bankers."