Tories Welcome Return Of Absolute Poverty To Britain.

The Tories have welcomed the return of absolute poverty to Britain after an absence of nearly 100 years. Absolute poverty means that there are people in this country without access to the basic necessities of life - food, shelter and warmth. These are not people suffering from relative poverty, not being able to afford the luxuries that most other people enjoy, but the sort of grinding poverty not seen since Victoria sat on the throne. We asked a Tory party spokesman how this could happen in one of the richest countries in the world in the early 21st century; "It wasn't easy. First we had to wait until a really nasty recession happened so we could sell the idea of belt-tightening to the plebs. Then we had to dress it up with nonsense phrases such as "There's no alternative", "We're all in this together" and "The Big Society." Fortunately the British electorate are so stupid that we also managed to sneak through such wonderful 19th century concepts as slum landlords, work houses for the poor and slavery at the same time. I have to say we wouldn't have been able to achieve this level of success without the valuable assistance of the Nick Clegg and the Lib Dems whose political opportunism has impressed even us. Now if we can get rid of those bloody food banks and embarrassing Red Cross food parcels we might get the chance to reintroduce another Tory 19th century favourite - widespread malnourishment. I'm afraid that our other aspiration, a return to trench warfare, is probably beyond our reach at present but, if we win a majority in 1915 - sorry I meant 2015 - then we might just get the full set. These are the good solid Victorian values that we can all look forward to."