Social Cleansing Begins In Britain.

The great social cleansing project of the Tory-dominated Coalition has begun, with hundreds of thousands of the less well-off being forcibly evicted from areas such as Maida Vale pictured above. The Tories have embarked on this in order to stake a territorial claim for themselves and their wealthy allies in up-and-coming areas where there are profits to be made. Those who live there now in rented properties are to be priced out of the market to make way for the more affluent and, presumably, more acceptable neighbours that the very wealthy deamand. In effect city centres across the country, but especially in London, are to become wealthy ghettos where those who pay their taxes because they have no choice will not be welcome by those who can afford to avoid taxes. As a graphic illustration of how polarised Britain has become and how much worse the Tories intend it to be, there can be no better example than this wicked and selfish policy. We might all be in this together but some of us will be doing it in comfortable well-policed areas while the rest of us are to be banished to more down-at-heel areas where police will be rarer than hen's teeth. If this was happening in the Balkans David Cameron would be asking questions in the United Nations and asking for NATO airstrikes.

Cameron's "Index of Happines" Expanded To Include "The Meaning of Life."

David Cameron's attempt to discover how happy we are has been expanded to include the meaning of life. We asked the part-time Prime Minister what is the meaning of this ridiculous index. "We already know that the answer is actually "42" but now we have to find what the question is. I had thought of building the world's greatest computer to find the question but decided against that because of the NHS computer cock-up. So I've decided to consult the collective cognitive abilities of the great British people - or the peasants as I like to call them. I am particularly proud of the four questions we've come up with; "Are you miserable enough yet?" "How can we make your life even more ghastly than it is now?" "What part of your life did we make intollerable yesterday?" and "What is the point of your insignificant life?" The findings so far have been most illuminating and I'm confident that we can make people in this country happier than they should be by making some other section of society even more miserable than they are. I am particularly proud of taking money off disabled children which has made the majority relieved that they are not a disabled child or that they don't have one in their family to cause them embarassment and financial hardship."

Another Two-Faced Politician Fibs His Way Out Of A Job.

Chris Huhne, the LibDem Minister For Putting Up Energy Prices And Ignoring Climate Change, has been forced to resign after being charged with perverting the course of justice. Mr Huhne, pictured above demonstrating why he claims for ballet lessons, regularly also claims for such items as chocolate hobnobs, tea and even the rope for a swing despite being a millionaire and owning seven properties in Britain and two abroad. Recently found to have been bonking one of his "advisors" his wife immediately accused him of avoiding paying speeding fines by getting her to take the blame. We asked Mr.Huhne for a comment; "This is disgraceful. I should have been able to get away with this. What's the point of being a cabinet minister if you can't lie and cheat with impunity? I'll have to get you lot to buy me another packet of hobnobs tonight so I don't get too depressed. I can't imagine why my ex-wife has done this - after all screwing an advisor is no worse than screwing the electorate" We asked our political editor for his view as to the significance of this; "Significance? Not a lot really. He's a politician and an ex-banker so, by nature, is a thieving git with all the moral certitude of a teenager with a hard on. Even his own wife can't trust him."

Banker Wakes Up And Notices The Real World.

Reports have been coming all day that a leading banker, Josef Ackeramnn Chief Executive of the Deutsche Bank pictured above, has come out of his recent coma and noticed that the rest of the world does actually exist after all. Speaking to the BBC he has flagged up the possibility that ordinary people, pauperised by him and his mates, might object to him receiving millions in bonuses while they can't afford to pay their bills. "We have a social responsibility, because if this inequality increases in income distribution or wealth distribution we may have a social time bomb ticking and no-one wants to have that," he told the interviewer. We asked him to expand on his comments following his BBC interview; "I keep having a reoccuring nightmare in which I'm forced to choose between being hung from the nearest tree or living off state benefits and I can't make up my mind which would be worse. Meanwhile people keep asking me awkward questions such as, "Why have you only just noticed that inequality has gotten out of hand?" and "If you're so bloody clever how come you stood by and watched the whole world economy fall apart?" As for the time bomb I mentioned earlier I keep getting the awful feeling that we've already lit the fuse."

Tories Succeed In Driving Down UK Student Numbers.

The Tory party was out on the town tonight celebrating the 9% fall in UK students applying for university. We asked Michael Gove, Minister for Privatising the Universities, for his view; "This is outstanding. Within the lifetime of this parliament we will have our universities once more reserved for the children of the wealthy and fee-paying students from abroad. The last Labour government may have managed to get 50% of youngsters into university, but how long did you think we'd allow that to continue? We can't have working-class scum clogging up our universities taking ridiculous subjects like media studies when the children of the wealthy could be studying important subjects like Classics, Divinities and Greats. Lower class children will be prepared for a life of unemployment or, if they're lucky and we feel generous, for life as day labourers and servants. As for those who persist in their forlorn attempt to better themselves, we'll make sure they spend the rest of their lives up to their necks in debt to us."

How Many Civil Servants Are On The Fiddle?

A top civil servant, Ed Lester head of the Student Loans Company, has been avoiding paying tax it has emerged and, what's more, such arrangements are widespread. While the rest of us have our tax stopped at source through PAYE, these public servants are paid through private companies dedicated to avoiding tax all with the blessing of the tax department. Not content with earning a thoroughly undeserved £182,000 per year, Mr.Lester and those like him deliberately avoid tax so they don't have to support the services they take advantage of quite happily. No wonder students now have to take out loans rather than receiving grants as they used to and no wonder the NHS is sinking under the burden of savage cuts. Now we know why we have to suffer high levels of unemployment, as hospitals close, libraries are abandoned and disabled children have their benefits cut. It was never about saving the country - it was always about the elite not having to pay tax. We asked Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, after his roasting in the House today for his comments; "As Chief Secretary to the Treasury I didn't have a clue that this was going on since I've been far too busy fleecing ordinary people and chasing plumbers to take much notice of what top civil servants are up to. I did sign off this deal but I can't be expected to read every piece of paper that crosses my desk unless it presents me with the opportunity to torture the poor. And, in any case, these people are rich and are above such petty considerations as paying tax. We have to enter such deals in order to attract the right calibre of spiv into these positions otherwise we might lose them to such organisations as the Iranian Secret Service, the Russian Mafia or the Columbian Drug Cartels. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my offshore bank manager."

How Evil Must The Tories Get Before Britain Rejects Them?

For many in Britian it is the burning question of our age - just how vicious do the Tories have to be before we stop voting for them? Protecting the rich and punishing the poor is par for the course as far as this party is concerned and they have always been able to rely on the greedy and selfish to provide them with enough support to keep them viable. But this government has set a new benchmark that even the greedy and selfish must recognise is beyond all reason. How can they be allowed to use an economic disaster caused by wealthy bankers as cover for a completely unwarrented attack on the sick, the disabled and the unemployed? Have the British fallen so far from grace that they can simply stand aside while the Tories, who have neither legitimacy nor mandate, lay into the most vulnerable in our society with impunity? There has been an outcry from business at Fred Goodwin being stripped of his knighthood, but not so much as a peep out of them as disabled children are stripped of the very means of survival. Why is he allowed to keep his £12 million pension pot after bringing his bank to its knees and the British economy to the edge of disaster while disabled children see their benefits slashed in half? More mystifying still is how the British people seem content to stand aside as the NHS, without which many of them would not be here, is privatised and sold off to a bunch of American corporate sharks. Meanwhile they cheer as David Cameron wields a non-existant "veto" in Europe and then back pedals like crazy when the Europeans take absolutely no notice of him. To put it bluntly, what the hell is wrong with us? Are we sheep? Plain stupid? Or, heaven forbid, so vicious, greedy and selfish that we simply dont care?

Pertempts Succeed In Getting More People Into Unpaid Work.

In a great triumph for the goverment's policy of getting unemployed people back into work Pertemps have managed to get many into unpaid work. We asked Chris Graylaing, Minister for Punishing the Unemployed, for his view; "This is wonderful news and just goes to show what can be achieved when you force poor people to work for rich people for nothing. One shouldn't underestimate how fiedishly difficult it is to get people into unpaid jobs and Pertemps deserve every penny of the millions we're giving them. I simply don't understand why this hasn't been tried before by previous governments. I can only assume its because that any government that didn't happen to be Tory had no need to since they tend not to throw everyone out of work in the first place. In which case I can only say that they've been very shortsighted. Imagine how competative we can become as a nation if we don't pay anyone for the work they do - anyone apart from rich people that is. With the happy return of slum landlords, the end to benefits, affordable housing and the demise of the NHS, we are almost back to the halcyon days of the mid-19th century with the added benefit of circumventing the laws against slavery. At this rate we'll soon be back to prosperity - well, some of us at least."

Has Fred Goodwin Been Unjustly Singled Out?

There is a great deal of comment at the moment - well, at least in the "Telegraph" - suggesting that Fred Goodwin, aka "Fred the Shred," has been unjustly "de-Sired." "Why him?" the "Telegraph" asks. "Why not others equally as guilty as poor much-maligned Fred?" "Who is next in line for ritual humiliation?" their headline bleats. The answers, of course are quite simple - because he deserved to be stripped on his title, because the government hasn't got the guts and anyone they decide to sacrifice in order to look respectable themselves. Despite their best efforts its difficult to feel any sympathy for plain old Mr.Fred after he lost £45 billion through sheer unadulterated stupidity and then walked off with a £12 million pension pot. If there was any real justice his pension would be taken off him as well and he would be forced to live on £60 a week unemployment benefit while staking shelves in Poundland. Let's face it being "de-Sired" is hardly being hung, drawn and quartered now is it? Meanwhile, as an explaination for the continued eyewatering salary and benefit packages that people like Fred are still getting, the banking industry is still bleating about having to pay high wages to "get the best talent." As a strategy it hasn't worked too well up to yet and seems only to have attracted the most greedy and the most stupid people to the posts.

Gove Reveals The Depth Of His Ignorance.

Michael Gove has spent the day in front of the Commons Education Select Committee demonstrating his credentials as Education Secretary. Speaking about the teachers and parents who have objected to his plans to forcibly turn Downhills Primary School into one of his much vaunted acadamies, he described them as "Trots." Presumably Mr.Gove was referring to the theory of Marxism advocated by Leon Trotsky that called for an emancipation of ordinary working people from unaccountable bureaucracy. This, apparently, is at total varience with his own plans to free teachers and parents from an unaccountable bureaucracy. Unable to find a good reason to listen to the wishes of teachers and parents Mr.Gove did the only thing he could - insulting those who disagree with him by accusing them of being the worst kind of people he could think of. It is natural for a Tory to regard all forms of socialism with distaste but to label concerned teachers and parents as "Trots" merely served to demonstrate the true depths of his ignorance and his total unsuitability for the post of Education Secretary. Tories are by nature moronic, substituting knee-jerk reaction for reasoned thought and elevating their prejudices to the level of policy, but Mr.Goves appetite for revealing his sheer stupidity in public is second to none even amongst the present crop of Tory idiots. In fact his only real rivals are Ian Duncan Smith, who seems to believe that his campaign against the poor, vulnerable and sick makes him an outstanding Christian, and George Osborne, who seems to believe that destroying the British economy makes him a good Chancellor of the Exchequer. Only those contestants who insist upon appearing on "Britain's Got Talent" without the benefit of any discernable talent even approach their delusional state.