Cameron Pledges To End The Welfare "Merry-Go-Round"

David Cameron struck his favourite "holier-than-thou" pose today and promised to end the "welfare merry-go-round." "It's ridiculous," our intrepid leader lectured, "that poor people keep getting something for nothing paid for by the taxpayer. I propose, therefore, to end the tax credit system so that the low paid can take pride once again in their poverty and rich people like me can get a tax cut. There are too many bone idle people in this country working every hour God sends for a pittance and expecting rich people like me to be grateful. Well let me tell you we're not. If the poor are too stupid to negotiate higher wages without the benefit of trade unions, then they deserve to be poor. They should take a leaf out of my book and vote themselves a pay rise when they need to buy another London mansion. If you're going to rely on state handouts then you should at least make a good fist of it and scrounge enough to send your kids to Eton, form yourself into a political party to pass laws that favour you and make you rich enough to lecture everyone else about being feckless. I didn't get where I am today by letting the grass grow under my feet - you have to be fast on your feet to make the kind of money I do for doing sod all. It is my mission to recreate the poverty that made this country great and the kind of unfair society that this country deserves. To get the ball rolling I have also decided to spend several billions refurbishing the Houses of Parliament so that hard-working, tax dodging and expense fiddling MP's can continue to pretend that we're all still living in the 14th century. Britain can only move forwards by looking backwards and can only guarantee a prosperous future by encouraging more poverty."

Ian Duncan Smith: Britain's Greatest Shirker.

Ian Duncan Smith, Britain's most evil politician, has today finally admitted that he is also the world's most useless Tory. Having over-promised on his scheme to make the unemployed, vulnerable and disabled as miserable as he can, he has now had to admit that he can't actually deliver his fellow Tories wettest of wet dreams. He can create a true underclass in the country by cutting off the poor from the money economy and forcing them to use tokens at Asda. He can have the disabled vilified in the press and assaulted in the streets. He can humiliate the unemployed. He can attack the vulnerable. But he can't deliver his much vaunted scheme for a single benefit system and he can't cut the welfare bill so he and his rich mates don't have to pay tax. While 4,000 people queued today for the chance of a low paid job at a new supermarket site, Britain's biggest and best shirker stands revealed as the utter waste of space he's always been. Boastful, arrogant and completely without any charity in his vicious little black soul, IDS is also incapable of doing the job he was given by the similarly useless David Cameron. What the Tories don't seem to understand is that their nasty little schemes, intended to create the sort of economy and society they lust after, is totally, completely and utterly unworkable. It asssumes that the country must be led by them as a natural elite, while the rest of us dutifully do as we are told. Britain, however, is a joint enterprise and can only work to its maximum capacity when we all have a stake in its success. We've tried over the last 30 years to do what the Tories want and it has delivered only a disastrous inequality and economic stagnation. The time has come now for the second sober thought - and thinking was never the Tory's strongest suite.

Has Ian Duncan Smith Had A Change Of Heart?

Ian Duncan Smith, outright winner of this year's "Most Evil Tory" award, has had an apparent change of heart appealing to George Osborne not to make any more cuts to welfare. We asked IDS for a statement; "We Tories, as this country's natural overlords, have a responsibility to support people in difficulty and no one is in more difficulty than me. If George keeps cutting my departmental budget I'll soon have no budget at all and then I won't be able to swan around looking important. I understand the need to pauperise the working-class scum of this country, but George really should draw the line at harming my illustrious career. There must be some other way of persecuting cripples and other useless people without cutting my budget and my standing in Parliament. I've made some very progressive suggestions but no one seems to know if the Nazi blueprints for gas chambers still exist and, as David Cameron has pointed out, we already have concentration camps which are now called council housing estates. There is in my view no such thing as an easy target in welfare. Some people think there is: until I show them where we spend the money - potted plants for my office, money for fine dining at the Savoy and champagne receptions for underprivileged bankers. It's all right for people like Andrew Lansley who have lobbyists lining up around the block with cash to spend - all I have is ATOS and I've just about milked them dry. Some days I just don't know where my next London mansion is coming from."