Socialism Resurgent In Tory Heartlands.

Socialism is enjoying an unexpected resurgence in the southern Tory heartlands where thousands are queuing up to get help from the rest of us in the wake of the flooding. People who wouldn't normally give a tinker's cuss for global warming or have a good word to say about the hard working poor on benefits because of starvation wages are now standing with their hands out begging for help. These are the same people who, just a couple of weeks ago, were glued to their TV sets to watch their prejudices confirmed by "Benefits Street." Now they are looking for benefits because of conditions that are beyond their control and suddenly a smaller less caring state looks less attractive. There are now calls for increased spending on flood defences in places where not a peep was heard about the scandal of food banks. Taxpayers money is now demanded by people who scant weeks ago were calling for tax cuts and a less generous state, content to see poor children reduced to destitution but now suddenly all concern for their own plight. A nation divided between the "have everything's" and the "have nothing at all's" was of no interest to them, smug and self-satisfied because of the money they had worked so hard to inherit. The question is should we help those who were happy to turn their backs on the rest of the country? The answer is quite simple. Yes, because despite the disdain they have showed in the last three years we remain better than they deserve. Because we believe that Britain is a community we should offer a helping hand to those less fortunate than ourselves. We should do it because it's the right thing to do even though come election time they will still vote for greed and selfishness.

Cameron Pledges "Unlimited Funds" To Save His Grubby Neck.

David Cameron has decided to ditch austerity for the moment in order to bail out, literally, the swathe of Tory voters who have suddenly fallen victim to his campaign of spending cuts. "We goofed," Cameron told our reporter as he pulled on his wellies for yet another photo opportunity. "The cuts were never supposed to affect Tory voters and I blame everyone else for this. It might well be that Britain can't afford welfare for the sick and disabled, the NHS or pensions for useless old people but we have billions when it comes to those who can't afford to protect their own homes against flooding and happen to vote Tory. People have to realise that the country is nearly bankrupt after Labour crashed the world banking system because of their mismanagement of the property market in the United States and we only have enough money to subsidise rich Tory voters. There is a world of difference between benefit scroungers and flood defence scroungers - at least in terms of how they vote. The most important thing, however, is that this money, which has appeared as if by magic, will save my political neck. Tory voters shouldn't worry because I promise that those responsible for this disaster - the unemployed, the sick and the disabled - will pay for it. Don't forget, Tory voters, we're all in this together - the rest of the country can and will go to hell."

Will The Tories Bring In A Floodplain Tax?

Tory voters in Somerset and along the Thames Valley are holding their breath today and not just because they're under water. There is a growing suspicion that David Cameron's pledge that "We're all in this together" might apply to them as well. Unnamed Tory ministers are reported to be muttering about a floodplain tax, pointing out that flood defences are no longer affordable during a time of austerity and will be even less so as global warming takes hold. "We think it only fair that if those on benefits with too many bedrooms can be forced to downsize then, perhaps, those who have chosen to live on floodplains should be forced to move uphill," one Tory MP told our reporter. "As more and more becomes unaffordable - the welfare state, the NHS and pensions - it seems only fair that those scrounging money for flood defences from the state should share the burden. Don't forget the Tory party are very big on fairness." Meanwhile the idea of privatising flood defences has also been suggested. "We believe that privatising flood defences would bring much needed efficiencies and we are already in talks with G4S," the Tory MP continued. "After their triumph at the Olympics and their outstanding success running prisons, we believe that they are just the right kind of bloodsucking corporate crooks that Britain needs at the moment. The public shouldn't worry about regulation. We have already approached a Tory party donor with a view to making him the head of a new regulatory body, Offlood, with a starting salary of £450,000 per year plus bonuses and a two-day working week. We believe that a new tax and privatisation will cure the flooding problem in the foreseeable future - at least until after the general election in 2015."

Will The Floods Sink The Tories?

Most of the world does not accept blood products from Britain because they fear that our blood supply is contaminated with CJD or mad cow disease. The reason for this is because Margaret Thatcher deregulated the food industry so her rich land-owning mates could make more money. Deregulation, in the wake of the banking crisis of 2008, is no longer in vogue but, nothing loath, the Tories have a new insane idea that they want to foist on the rest of us - austerity. The picture above illustrates all too well what austerity actually means. It means the very rich pay less in tax while public services are starved of funds, it means the rich get more and we get less - or so they hope. This was all going well while it was the inner-city poor, the unemployed, the sick and the disabled being targeted because they have no voice. Flooded river valleys are a very different kettle of fish however. This is where the moderately wealthy blue-rinse set hang out, those who tend to vote Tory on the basis that the nastiness won't affect them but might, just might, save them a few quid in taxes. Now the Tories, with no convenient poor people to blame, are turning on each other - pointing fingers in the hope that they can avoid personal responsibility. But the Tories and those stupid enough to vote for them cannot avoid responsibility for the floods. This is what tax cuts for the rich mean so you can either get used to it and move to higher ground, or you stop voting for greed and selfishness and start voting for a society that actually works. Its your choice.

Tories Tackle National Emergency With Yet More Lies.

As Britain braces itself for probably the worst storm in living memory the Tory party have responded with their usual mixture of evasions, half-truths and outright lies. In the largely Tory voting Somerset the electorate, unaccustomed to budget cuts affecting them and wilfully blind to their favoured party's habit of lying through their teeth, are beside themselves with rage as their homes disappear beneath the flood waters. Like the rest of us, however, they are now being treated with the same contempt Cameron & Co have meted out to the unemployed, disabled and vulnerable. Unable to explain away why they have cut spending on flood defences they have instead produced a chart, shown above, that is deliberately misleading, hoping that those who are stupid enough to vote for them in the first place will be stupid enough to believe what they are now being told. Essentially the chart, which is supposed demonstrate how spending on flood defences compares well to other areas of government investment, is scaled in such a way that spending of £1 million appears to be little different to spending of £10 million. In fact, as the chart shows quite clearly, the Tories are spending far more money on "communications" (Tory speak for propaganda) than they are on flood defences which, if nothing else, shows everyone what their priorities actually are. As Sir Andrew Dilnot, the head of the UK Statistics Authority has written the chart gives a deliberately “false impression of the relative size of investment between sectors”. Or, as we would understand it, the Tories are lying to mask how their vicious cuts are damaging the country for no other reason than to allow for tax cuts for themselves and their rich mates.

How Bad Is The Weather?

While Britain is submerged under water in the wettest April since records began, the privatised water companies are still insisting that we are in the midst of a drought. Obviously that is not because of any real shortage of water - a glance out of the window nails that lie - so what is going on? In a word mismanagement or, if you prefer two words, incompetence by the water companies. Too busy stuffing their already bulging pockets with our money, they simply don't have the time to worry about the water supply or the inclination to invest in an infrastructure that is now groaning under the strain of neglect. Their explaination? It's the wrong kind of rain, at the wrong time and they lack the ability to cpature it efficiently. Still, its an ill-wind that doesn't blow anyone any good and the government has seized on the bad weather to explain away the disgraceful scenes at our airports. "Clearly there have been some queues over recent days, caused by a number of factors including late planes and changes of schedules," a Downing Street spokesman told us all. "The Border Force has enough personnel," Theresa May insists, "and this has nothing to do with the hundreds or redundancies I've inflicted on the service. If these people would simply work 25 hours a day for 8 days a week there wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately its a well know fact that British workers are bone-idle and should all be shot."