The Tories Are Revolting.

Tory backbenchers are threatening to revolt again as David Cameron refuses to live up to his responsibility to be as nasty, vicious and right-wing as he should be. The latest row centres on Cameron's plan to turn the British army into a small police force and staff it with part-time soldiers on zero-hour contracts. "This is completely unacceptable," a spokesman for the revolting Tory backbenchers told our reporter. "How will be able to tromp about giving Johnnie Foreigner a jolly good thrashing if we don't have enough boots on the ground and in their faces? It's simply not good enough. We haven't sacrificed all those useless unemployed and crippled people at home simply to give up our ability to beat up a bunch of foreigners whenever we feel like it. Cameron is planning to retire some regiments with a long and proud record of beating up nearly every foreigner in the world at one time or another. And it is as well to remember that some of these regiments have been the personal property of Tory families for centuries. What are we going to do with all those educated at Eton but too stupid to enter politics or the church? Where would we all be now if responsible government hadn't spent the years between 1914 and 1918 thinning out the ranks of the unwashed and thoroughly undesirable working classes? Imagine what the unemployment figures would look like today if we hadn't killed off two million of the buggers and their unwanted descendants. We believe that Cameron has failed to understand what the British Army is actually for and demand that he reconsiders before we really begin to sulk."