Cameron Begs Country To Ignore His Incompetence

In a desperate attempt to divert voters from the true issues facing the country, David Cameron has been reduced to pleading for local, not national, issues to guide voters choices in tomorrow's local elections. "For God's sake," he told our reporter, "make sure your readers don't think too much about my woeful record in office. Tell them it's all Labour's fault and they shouldn't vote for them because, if they do, the bogeyman will get them. Local elections call for consideration of local issues, such as how Labour councils have viciously caused widespread unemployment, flogged off local hospitals, thrown cripples out of their homes and privatised their local schools. Some people have suggested that all these things are the result of my policies, but that's a lie. As I've repeatedly explained, none of this has anything to do with me and these things have only come about because of completely unintended outcomes. I mean, who would have thought that Andrew Lansley's NHS Reform Bill would have led to Labour councils selling off hospitals, or Eric Pickles cutting money to councils would lead to unemployment? Think about what's best for the country - me and my rich mates that is. Is that too much to ask?" Having gently pointed out that "The News In Shorts" is not actually owned by Murdoch and, therefore, has no way of getting people to switch off their brains we left the Prime Minister weeping into his Dom Perignon.