Does Coronavirus Make People Stupid?

One of the least expected results of the Coronavirus pandemic is the sudden outbreak of utter stupidity across the world. Despite the knowledge that the virus spreads because of the movement of people holiday-makers are packing themselves into the confines of aeroplanes and sitting on crowded beaches in defiance of all common sense. Worse still are the conspiracy nuts who insist that its all a hoax and an attempt to take away their "freedom" or a sinister plot to inject them with tracking devices through a still non-existent vaccine. Of all these conspiracy theories the most idiotic is that President Trump is waging a secret war against Satan-worshipping elite paedophiles. Spread by an organisation of idiots called QAnon these morons would have us believe that Donald Trump, a close friend of that well-known and now safely dead paedophile and child-trafficker Jeffery Epstein, is leading a fight against these non-existent bogeymen that will end in mass executions. Now Donald Trump is many things, but a crusader against child-trafficking? Really? The man who once said that he could "grab a woman by the pussy" any time he likes and openly admitted he would like to bonk his own daughter? The kindest thing to say about these brainless morons is that they are confused, but they represent a real danger to the rest of us who still have working brain cells. Their half-baked theories are undermining efforts to contain the virus as they organise mass rallies in major cities from Boston to Berlin, refusing to wear masks and ignoring social distancing. Most pernicious of all perhaps, they are also polluting the internet - turning what should be an information highway into a misinformation highway. Forget anything you may have heard about sinister dark figures plotting the death of millions, the real conspiracy is a conspiracy of idiots driven by a bovine herd mentality and fuelled by an inability to seperate fact from fantasy. That is the real pandemic, a virus that is driving the human race back to dragging its knuckles in the dirt.

BBC Launches New Comedy Show - "You Know You've Lost The Argument When....."

Following pressure from various neo-Nazi, pro-Brexit and tax-dodging billionaire organizations the BBC has launched a purge of left-wing comedy programmes. According to the Daily Telegraph the BBC is “unfairly biased against the Tories, Donald Trump and Brexit” and is therefore guilty of poking fun at the most inept government in the UK's history, the most dangerous and moronic President that the US has ever elected and the most stupid political idea since Caligula made his horse a senator. Shows such as BBC 4's "The Now Show" and TV's "Have I Got News For You" are to be axed to be replaced by "Jocob Rees-Mogg's 18th Century Show" and "Have I Got Neo-Nazi Propaganda For You". The plan has reportedly run into trouble, however, as the BBC has found it difficult to recruit right-wing comedians who are actually funny. As one BBC insider told our reporter; "The trouble with right-wing supporters is that they are spectacularly unfunny when it comes to actually telling jokes. They are great if you want to pack the audience of "Question Time" but much of what they believe is more chilling than funny. At the end of the day what is funny about wanting to kill pensioners to fund future tax cuts, watching the US descend into civil war or Britain committing economic suicide? Putting some gammon on stage to scream abuse about foreigners, gays and not wearing face masks in the middle of a pandemic is only funny to demonstrate how stupid such views are. There's nothing funny about "A foreigner, a gay and a Remainer walk into a bar and are shot by a neo-Nazi thug." The other problem is that right-wing supporters have no sense of humour and probably wouldn't understand a punch line anyway. We are in danger of producing right-wing comedy shows in which the audience only knows when to laugh if you hit them with a stick."

Why Have Care Homes Been Denied Covid Tests?

Six months into the Covid-19 pandemic care homes are still not getting the testing kits promised by the slack-jawed Health Secretary Matt Hancock. Where care homes have received the kits many have not been collected for processing while 750,000 kits provided by Randox had to be recalled because of "safety concerns". We asked Matt Hancock for his response to this state of affairs. His brain was not available for comment but he was able to summon up enough complacency and Tory cliches to conduct an interview. "There are enough test kits for everyone displaying Covid-19 symptoms," he proudly announced, "and we are daily strengthening the protective ring we have cast around care homes". Asked why then so many care homes are not being provided with the necessary kits our reporter received a blank stare. "Protecting the elderly in care homes has always been our top priority," he eventually replied. Asked why, in which case, elderly patients with obvious Covid symptoms had been discharged from hospital back into care homes with no testing he answered, "We actually managed to reduce the number of people who were going from hospital into care homes, that number came down by around 40%." Taking advantage of the absence of Hancock's brain our reporter pressed him on this claim and asked why the other 60% were still being discharged into care homes and what had happened to the 40% who were not. "Oh well," Mr. Hancock replied, "the 40% reduction was achieved quite simply by placing non-resuscitating orders on patients aged over 60, while the 60% who were not obviously dying were returned without testing to make sure enough pensioners were infected and then died to fund the next round of tax cuts for our rich mates. We calculated that a 40% death rate would do nicely." Asked if this was not a little callous and constituted mass murder on an industrial scale Mr. Hancock declined to comment though he did manage a snigger.

Trump Warns That Biden Will "Demolish The American Nightmare".

President Trump, the man with the world's biggest mouth and smallest brain, has warned Americans that, if Joe Biden wins the election in November, America's four-year nightmare will be over. "The hoardes of gun-toting Nazi-inspired good Americans will be replaced by violent anarchists armed with vicious leaflets," he told the faithful. "Before you know it the Democrats will pass laws to make the wearing of masks mandatory in an insidious plan to save American lives. No 17-year-old armed with an assault rifle will be safe while blacks, hispanics and other assorted foreigners will no longer be content to be hunted in the streets. This election will decide whether we save the American dream," he said, "or whether we allow a socialist agenda to demolish our cherished destiny of becoming the people your grandfathers fought in World War II to defeat. Your vote will decide whether we protect law-abiding Americans such as Kyle Rittenhouse, or whether we give free rein to violent anarchists, agitators and criminals who threaten our citizens and insist on being shot just to annoy me. I ask you a very simple question" he added, "how can the Democrat party ask to lead our country when it spends so much time tearing down our country while everyone knows we can do a much better job? In the left's backward view, they do not see America as the most free, just and exceptional nation on earth, a country where you are free to infect your neighbours with a deadly disease, where justice eminates from a gun barrel rather than in the courts and where you are able to be as execeptionally stupid as you've always wanted to be."

Chris Grayling and the Vexed Question of Intelligence.

Chris Grayling, the most supid man in the Tory party, has resigned his seat on the intelligence committee after his failed attempt to become it's chairman in what was supposed to be a rigged election. "I'm not used to failure," Mr.Grayling told our reporter. "After my resounding triumphs in collapsing the Northern and Thameslink rail services, granting of a no-deal Brexit ferry contract to a company with no ships and privatising the probabtion service so that it could no longer function I expected more support from my Tory colleagues - especially since Boris promised me my election was guaranteed." When asked if this wasn't somewhat undemocractic Mr. Grayling replied. "Too bloody right it was. What's the point of an election if it can't be rigged? If a democracy can't compete with even a banana republic in the bribery and corruption stakes what's the point of politics? I was all set to censor any mention of Russian inteference in the Brexit referendum and then this happens. Vladimir was absolutely incandescent and has threatened to put a stop to any further contributions to the Tory party if we don't get our act together." Asked whether this wasn't sort of treasonous the former transport minister and justice secretary replied; "What are you talking about man? If it's good for the Tory party then it's good for the country - everyone knows that otherwise we wouldn't have an overwhelming majority of 43% of the electorate behind us." Asked if this, again, wasn't rather undemocractic, Mr.Grayling looked aghast. "Look you silly man, it is absolutely necessary that the right people are in power otherwise any fool could be Prime Minister rather than a Tory fool which would be disastrous in terms of Britain's main concern - offshore banking and tax avoidance. You'll be telling me next that our esteemed leader, Dominic Cummings, should stand for election. I mean how would we rig an election like that?"

Sicknote Boris and the Art of U-Turns

There are rumblings in the Tory party that the constant u-turns of the government are undermining public confidence and, more importantly, embarassing Tory MP's who normally have a high tolerance for such things. Most Tories are not too bothered about food banks, homelessness, Brexit or killing old people in care homes - these can easily be turned aside with a touch of complacency, lies and blaming the victims. What does embarass them, however, is having their complacency, lies and victim blaming turned on their heads every couple of hours. This makes defending government policy "increasingly difficult" according to Charles Walker, deputy chair of the 1922 Committee. "Too often it looks like this government licks its finger and sticks it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing," he added, "when what we should be doing is sticking that finger in someone's eye - espacially if that someone is Jeremy Corbyn". He was particularly incensed by the u-turn performed with relation to A level and GCSE exam results. "We had a perfectly good system for exagerating results at Eton and Harrow and depressing those from the schools that the plebs attend. This seems to have upset the parents of these future second class subjects of the Empire for some unfathomable reason and Gavin Williamson immediately did a screeching u-turn instead of building a mealy-bag redoubt with a decent firing step. If Boris was half the bastard he wants to be he would have put up two fingers to the mutinous parents and threatened them with the prospect of a Bolshevik government under that new leader of the Labour party - whatever his name is. If Boris doesn't man up soon I'm afraid we'll have to replace him with a more powerful and forceful statesman such as Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg or Chris Grayling."

Anti-Vaxxers Disappear Up Their Own Theories.

Wew are awash with anti-vaxxer fake news at the moment. Their theories on why vaccination is a bad idea seem to fall into several categories - that encouraging the over-65's to be vaccinated against Covid-19 is a plot to steralise them - that encouraging younger people to be vaccinated is a plot so they can be tracked wherever they go even as they spend all day and night texting on their mobile phones - that vaccinations are a plot by eugenicicsts to weaken our immune system and wipe us all out. The latest piece of horseshit from these people is that Henry Kissinger told the WHO “Council on Eugenics” in 2009 that vaccines could be used to control the human population. Except that Kissinger never said anything of the kind at such a meeting because the WHO "Council on Eugenics" doesn't actually exist. Many of the people pedling this nonsense are worried that their children will be harmed by vaccination, despite the fact that they themselves were vaccinated against rubella, polio, TB, whooping cough, mumps and meningitis and lived long enough to have children sterilization not withstanding. So what kind of people are spreading this idiocy? The answer is quite simple - idiots. Addicted the conspiracy theories that one moment's thought would dismiss as utter lunacy, these people are convinced that the most inept UK government in our history, unable to master a track and trace system that all of Europe has no problem with, is trying to kill, sterilize or track them by implanting devices in their bodies. If they had leaped upon the Tory's "herd immunity" it would be understandable since that particular idea was probably one of the most stupid in British history (along with the economic suicide of Brexit). They failed to do so because this merely demonstrated that the Tory government is little more than a collection of complete morons. They prefer to believe that Boris Johnson and his boss, Dominique Cummins, are super-villains rather than the dickheads that they are.

When Is A Crime Not A Crime?

Someone leaked sensitive information from the UK's National Security Council. Under the terms of the Official Secrets Act 1989 this is a criminal offence. The deliberations of the National Security Council are a state secret and leaking such deliberations is a criminal act if it is "damaging and done without lawful authority". Well, the leak wasn't done with "lawful authority" and has done considerable damage in terms of the UK's relationship with China and to the UK's reputation in the world. An important UK politician, Gavin Williamson the Defence Minister and a legend in his own lunchtime, has been accused, found guilty and professionally executed by the Prime Minister Theresa May, a legend in no one's lunchtime. Gavin Williamson has declared his innocence but, as far as Prime Minister May is concerned, the matter is closed. So a crime has been committed and a suspect has been publicly named but the matter is closed? The question that arises is since when has the Executive branch of government taken over the role of the Judiciary? It is not the business of the Executive to decide when a criminal offence has been committed nor is it the Executive's business to find anyone accused guilty or innocent. Nothing can illustrate better Theresa May's complete disregard for or, even more worryingly, utter ignorance of how the British political system works. Yet this is how the Tory party itself works, through ignorance and a complete disregard for the political, social and economic well-being of everyone not in their magic circle. Under the Tories a non-binding purely advisory referendum has been set in stone, Parliament is ignored and the people are collectively punished for the crimes of the Tories rich mates. While Theresa May was Home Secretary she managed to "lose" 14 files pertaining to paedophilia in high places. As Prime Minister she has stripped our streets of the police with the result that crime is soaring, continued to ignore mass homelessness while thousands of houses stand empty, deliberately underfunded and undermined the NHS, wrecked the education system, persecuted the sick, the disabled and racial minorities and pushed millions into poverty while, at the same time, pushing ahead with a Brexit that she knows for a fact will decimate the British economy. Her own party hates her, business hates her, the people hate her, yet she continues to super-glue herself to the door of No.10 and gets away with it because the Tory party is terrified that no Brexit and a general election would expose them to prosecution under the EU's Court of Human Rights while their offshore banking scam would come to a shuddering halt. So when is a crime not a crime? When it is committed by a Tory.

Farage is Back!

Nigel Farage has made a comeback with his new Brexit party having decided that UKIP is too right-wing. Britain's very own Judas Goat is up in arms (and in the money once again) because he feels the need to "change politics" and save us all from those who would stop Brexit. "I said that if I did come back into the political fray it would be no more Mr Nice Guy and I mean it," he told us, though his definition of what makes for a "Nice Guy" seems somewhat problematic. He then trundled out his latest acolyte, Annunziata Rees-Mogg, sister to Jacob Rees-Mogg Member of Parliament for the 18th century. ""We've got to rescue our democracy from those who want a second referendum" she told her audience. "We have got to show that the people of this country have a say in how we are run without actually asking them." Earlier in the day Farage said on the BBC Radio 4's Today programme that ""In terms of policy, there's no difference to UKIP except for the obvious racism which we in the Brexit party are determined to keep under wraps". He then promised that the new Brexit party would be "deeply intolerant of all intolerance" except for that directed at foreigners, those who disagree with them and anyone trying to close down the offshore banking scam. "The Brexit party will represent a cross section of society", he added, "especially Daily Mail readers, moronic bigots and my American mates who want to asset strip the NHS" After the conference, as the delegates tucked into their chlorinated chicken lunch, Farage granted "The News In Shorts" an exclusive interview. "You just can't trust established right-wing politicians", he sighed. "They will insist on letting the cat out of the bag. Some things have to be kept from the British public for their own good." "Such as?," our reporter asked. "Well you know, things like protecting offshore banking from the nasty evil people who want rich people like me to pay their fair share of taxes, those who want health care free at the point of need and the truth about our abject efforts to get trade deals from foreigners who know we're desperate. That sort of thing". "But surely you want to represent a cross section of society and I thought you didn't like foreigners," our reporter suggested. "When I say a cross section of our society I mean, of course, those better sort of people who don't want to pay tax. And, of course, there's foreigners and then there's foreigners. I like those wiling to grease my palm. It's the other sort I don't approve of - those who want to protect employment rights and the like. Basically the EU. Would you like some of this lovely chlorinated chicken?".

Why Did Brexit Get So Ugly?

So, how did Brexit get so ugly? It began with David Cameron who decided to give the British people a referendum on their membership of the EU. His reason was quite simple - he wanted to shut up the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg, frightened that his offshore banking scam would soon be outlawed by the EU, in his own party and take the wind out of the sails of Nigel Farage and UKIP. It was a short-sighted political decision made by a lazy Prime Minister and against all advice to the contrary. From the beginning then Brexit wasn't exactly a pretty proposition. Cameron, after a lack-lustre Remain campaign, lost the referendum and promptly resigned so that someone else could clear up the political mess he had created. Meanwhile, after a campaign noted only for the lies, deceptions and pure fantasy, the Leave campaigners went into overdrive - crowing about their "majority" which consisted of only 37% of those entitled to vote in the referendum and threatening the EU with all kinds of dire consequences if they didn't do as they were told. Ignoring the fact that a Labour MP, Jo Cox, had been assassinated by a right wing Brexiteer nutter, the likes of Boris Johnson (having changed sides in the campaign when he thought he might become Prime Minister), Michael Gove (who stabbed Boris in the back as soon as the campaign was over) and Jacob Rees-Mogg (Member of Parliament for the 18th century) began waving the Union Flag and promised us all that the EU would soon crumble in the face of our obvious superiority. Liam Fox set off around the world to deliver the promised free trade agreements and Theresa May (the surprise winner in the "Who The Fuck's In Charge Now" competition) set off to handbag those Johnnie Foreigners in Europe. Unfortunately Liam Fox soon found that negotiating cap-in-hand with the rest of the world who knew that the UK was desperate wasn't going to be "the easiest thing in the world" after all. India said, "Yes, of course. But in return we want open access for 700 million of our citizens who would dearly love to move to the UK". The United States said, "Yes, of course. But we want to buy up the NHS at bargain basement prices and have unlimited access for our chlorinated chickens". Theresa May found that her handbag was taken from her by EU security and settled down to be told what the EU were willing to give her. It was not all disaster to be fair. Liam Fox managed to get an interim trade deal with the Faroe Islands and Nepal while Theresa May managed to get her handbag back when she returned home. With great aplomb she then wielded her handbag in Parliament only to find that almost the entire House of Commons had donned handbag proof vests. Having failed to get her deal through Parliament three times, while denying a less than impressed British electorate a second vote on the whole sorry mess, she then pushed back the deadline for leaving the EU not once but twice. She also reached across the House for Jeremy Corbyn to help her and take some of the blame hoping that her action, two years too late, would elevate her to leader of the Labour party. With her own party hopelessly split she failed to notice the referendum had also split the entire country down the middle or that an increasingly vocal neo-Nazi movement had taken Brexit as an excuse to be as nasty and violent as they'd always wanted to be. How did Brexit get so ugly? It was always ugly. A bunch of Tory and UKIP conmen, afraid that their offshore banking scam was in danger or hating all foreigners because they were foreigners, had lied, deceived and over-promised their way to victory. With their lies and promises nailed for the rubbish they are, their only alternative is to continue waving the flag, talk big and now tell us that the Brexit recession will all be over within 50 years. Welcome to the sunny uplands.