Football, Corruption, The Couch Potato And Business.

Football is essentially a mindless pastime with adults playing a children's game for vast amounts of money watched by other adults with nothing better to do. Because of this, in our upside-down topsy-turvy world, it has grown into an industry worth billions. Players, most of whom find it difficult to articulate a meaningful sentence, are paid more than brain surgeons to bounce a ball from one end of a football pitch to the other. Fans will pay huge amounts of their income to watch this inane spectacle and will travel the world insulting local populations as they go while often remaining utterly ignorant of the local culture. With this amount of boneheaded, knuckle-dragging ignorance amongst football fans it is hardly surprising that corruption is a way of life to those organising it all. After sixteen years in charge with absolutely zero progress being made in stamping out graft, bribery and corruption, Sepp Blatter has yet again been re-elected as the president of FIFA. A bunch of crooks have put back in charge the man who has allowed their criminality to go unchecked. Not really so surprising given the level of corruption and racketeering in the rest of the world's business community from international banking to local market stalls selling fashion "knock-offs". Andy Burnham, in his campaign to win the leadership of the Labour party, has described businessmen as "heroes". This would be true if said businessmen were the entrepreneurs of yesteryear, men risking their own capital in pursuit of a dream of excellence. Unfortunately business today seems to consist all too often of slick confidence tricks, double-dealing and misdirection at the expense of a public too busy watching football to realise what's going on around them. The so-called "beautiful game" is neither beautiful nor a game, it is an ugly multi-billion pound business and a poster child for the corruption inherent in the neoliberal economic system.

How Football Has Stopped Human Evolution.

Biologists working at the Department of Human Cognition at Oxford University have made a landmark discovery in terms of human evolution. A spokesman for the university told our reporter; "After extensive experiments with chickens we have come to the conclusion that playing and watching football, or soccer as the Americans amusingly call it, actually arrests the evolutionary process. We were so shocked by the findings that we repeated the experiment with human volunteers and were even more shocked when that experiment reduced PhD students to bumbling idiots." We asked the spokesman how these findings have been reflected in the real world. "Perhaps the best example is the recent transfer of Gareth Bale from Tottenham Hotspur to Real Madrid for a record £85,000,000 and for a record weekly wage of £300,000. This in a country where 50% of 18-24 year-olds are out of work and the average wage is 17% below the European average. Even in Britain he will earn every day more than most people earn in two years. This is not only clearly insane but demonstrates that, when it comes to football, normal human critical thinking no longer functions. Real Madrid fans are actually excited by this obscene transfer and have been filmed chanting his name and drooling into their beer as they do so. While football seems to prevent the normal functioning of the human brain amongst fans we have found that it also hyper-stimulates the Greed gland in those directly associated with this otherwise mindless pastime. Its all very worrying." We asked if the same thing can be seen with other sports; "To a certain extent. However watching cricket seems to be relatively safe since all it does is put people to sleep."