Union Accused Of Intimidation By Leaflet.

It was Francis Maud's turn today to slither around the TV studious and push the party line. While energy companies, payday loan companies and the banks regularly hold the public to ransom, the Tories are outraged by Union tactics at Grangemouth. The Unite Union was, of course, doing what it was supposed to do - protecting its members pay and conditions - but the Tories have accused them of using intimidation. This apparently consisted of union officials handing leaflets to managers and their families. "This is very serious," Francis Maud told the BBC, "and calls for public floggings and life sentences for evil union members who seen to think that they have a right to put their side of the argument. It's despicable and we are contemplating a new offense of "Aggressive Argument". This forms part of our long-term plan to ensure Britain remains a low wage economy and to secure an economic recovery for hard-working millionaires like myself. We believe that unions have a right to exist but feel that they should be part of consensual partnership in which management does as it likes and the unions do as they are bloody well told. I remain confident that, once we return the country to the paradise that was the early 19th century, then everything will be fine. You know, the rich man in his castle, the poor man at his gate, that sort of thing." We had hoped to speak to Unite union officials but our reporter was warned that we might then fall foul of the "Listening to both sides of the argument" laws which will outlaw any view that contradicts the government and which the Tories hope to make retroactive. "This is part of our legitimate efforts to change history," Maud explain, "together with the recent purge of everything any Tory has said, promised or lied about since the reign of Henry VIII".