David Cameron, the world's most famous part-time human being, is to defend the Tory record in government in an attempt to end its reputation as the "nasty party." "We are a caring party and see ourselves as a loving father-like figure to the nation," he told our reporter in all seriousness. "But sometimes even the most loving father has no choice but to beat his children to death for being naughty. We want to create a fairer country in which our children will be safe from debt, in which our old people can live a life of dignity and in which health care is affordable. In order to do this, of course, we are going to have make sure that your children are pauperised, your old age pensioners live in squalor and you can't afford healthcare. That's only fair after all. The way forward is privatisation which has shown in the case of transport, the energy industry and housing that it can deliver less efficiency, worse services and higher costs while generating huge profits for a few greedy individuals who can then avoid paying tax. We are not nasty - selfish, greedy and two-faced, yes, but not nasty."
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